He Said Start at the BeginningChapter 1
by RottenAppleofEducation
Summary: Their relationship has started with the help of Dr. Burke...but not all is easy or well. Yes, there is a case too. I don't even have a clue what genre to leave this in...This fic has taken on a life of its own that I had no idea I created...oops...maybe
1. Chapter 1

He Said Start at the Beginning

Castle has solved her mother's murder. He presented her with the answers knowing the cost. He knew to do so was to lose her. She runs to Dr. Burke to help decide where to go from here.

I am thankful to not own or contribute in any way to the characters of Castle. AM produces a show created with characters of greater depth than are normally allowed on TV…I would hate to have the responsibility to main the quality of the show week to week.

Chapter 1

_The 12__th__ Precinct Present day_

Beckett had been working for several hours at her desk on paperwork. Castle had called earlier letting her know he had a few things to wrap up before he arrived so she was not at all surprised when her usual steaming cup of coffee appeared in front of her.

"Thanks." She looked at him and gave a brief smile just before taking a sip. But, when her eyes met his, sadness overwhelmed his rugged features.

"Kate, I need to talk and I need you to just listen for a few minutes. At the end of it, I will get up and walk to the elevator and leave until you decide whether or not you want me back."

She put her coffee down. The smile fell from her lips as she realized how serious her shadow appeared.

"Do you remember when I went to see you at the hospital? I left there knowing you probably didn't want to see me again. You reminded me that it was entirely my fault. Montgomery died and you almost did out of my own selfishness. I couldn't stand to lose you. You said you would call in a few days. As those slowly ticked by I knew, we really were over."

Kate stood up. She was going to interrupt but, he put his hand up asking for her to wait.

"I went from thinking I had lost the love of my life to knowing she lived, only to find out I had lost her after all." Kate gasped at his confession, but he plowed on looking at the floor. He was unburdening himself and she had a sinking feeling at the pit of her stomach. She had been showing him for months that she loved him too, but she hadn't said anything. Now, worry set in. His face darkened as his story progressed. She could not believe he was saying these things to her in the precinct for all to hear. Why is it that his pronouncement of love brought fear to her heart, not joy?

"I went home and put everything I had into solving your mother's murder. I thought just maybe I could win you back by solving it. Late one night my phone rang. I didn't know the caller. I still don't. He said that if you looked into your mother's murder they would kill you. But, if you let it go, you could live. At that moment I knew that I had to solve it for you. I know you wanted me to share this with you, but I couldn't live in a Beckettless world. I said always and I meant it. So, this is for you. He handed her a large file folder with a jumpdrive taped to it. Jordan is expecting your call; don't make her wait too long. I wrote her current number on the inside of the file. "

Castle could see the pain and betrayal in her eyes and the anger coming up. Before she could speak he just said, "Just remember I will love you always." He turned on his heel and left a frozen Beckett behind.

_Dr. Carver Burke's Office Present Day_

Kate was angrily pacing across the floor of the office. "How could he do this? How could someone who loves you do something so…so…unforgiveable?" She turned and looked at her doctor. He once again gave her that patient calm request to sit down without speaking.

"Was what he did unforgiveable, Kate?"

"Yes. Of course! I mean he waltzed in telling me he knew what was best for me. He solved MY CASE. He didn't even consult with me about it. He hid it knowing it was MINE."

"But, didn't he find your answers? Didn't he give you the evidence and give you someone he knew would allow you to be part of the arrest for a crime that was well beyond your jurisdiction? Isn't that an amazing gift he gave you?"

She hung her head. Deep inside she agreed with him, but the pain of the betrayal was great. Why did Castle feel the need to protect her from herself?

"He had no right. His decisions got Montgomery killed, and me shot and now…I don't know if I can stand to even look at him. What did I do to deserve such betrayal?"

"Why do you think he did it?"

"I don't know you tell me. You are the expert. What makes another person believe they can be their protector and hero? What did I do to deserve it?"

"Kate, are you worried that you deserve the betrayal or could you be worried that you do not deserve to be protected, loved?"

Dr. Burke sat back and observed her quietly. Kate sat back in the chair, pulling her legs up to her chest, suddenly feeling small and defenseless. She played with the ends of her hair. Looking thoughtfully inward, her internal struggle danced clearly across her face.

"How could I deserve it? I have always pushed him away." It came out in almost a whisper.

"Why don't you tell me about it?"

"Where do you want me to start?"

"Why don't you start at the beginning?"


	2. Chapter 2

He Said Start at the Beginning

Castle has solved her mother's murder. He presented her with the answers knowing the cost. He knew to do so was to lose her. She runs to Dr. Burke to help decide where to go from here.

I am thankful to not own or contribute in any way to the characters of Castle. AM produces a show created with characters of greater depth than are normally allowed on TV…I would hate to have the responsibility to main the quality of the show week to week.

Chapter 2

_Dr. Burke's Office Present Day_

"I wouldn't say my life was empty without him. But, I do admit he took a wrecking ball to my expectations for what I thought I would have in life. "

Kate sat back contemplating how to explain that moment when she realized there was so much more to life than what she had.

She thought of that fateful day when she was called to a murder scene of a lovely girl draped in flowers…

_Fall 2008_

Kate Beckett did not lack confidence. She moved through the crime scene examining every angle. She waited for the body and its presentation to speak to her. While her boys stood to the side waiting for their cue.

"Who are you?" she muttered under her breath.

"Allison Tisdale…"Esposito instantly started in on his fact filled report. The whole team discussed and analyzed what little information they had.

Lanie added her thoughts. "He even brought her flowers. Who says romance is dead?"

Kate shot Lanie a you would go there glare. "I do every Saturday Night." Of course, she knows Lanie is very aware that she feels this way.

Ryan watched and listened intently from the edge of the dining room. He could hear the gears of her mind whirring and clicking. Kate is referencing the familiarity of the body's layout with rose petals and sunflowers covering the eyes.

"Don't you guys read?"

What seems like minutes but was actually an hour or more. She found herself standing in the middle of a book signing party, HIS book signing party. She is praying that with her new haircut and hair color that he won't recognize her as being one of those semi-drunken bimbettes that had him sign her chest. She knows it was a rough patch after Will left that caused her drunken night of stupidity. At least she had been sober enough to turn down Richard Castle's equally drunken attempt to seduce her. She couldn't even remember if they held a conversation or if she just handed him the Sharpie. If Lanie ever finds that photo she took when she reached home, her life would be miserable for a good long time.

She saw him leaning on the bar talking to a very young red head. She paused. Was he really that much of a lecher? Instead, she was pleasantly surprised that from the body language the redhead in question had to be his daughter. Just as he spun around she said, "Mr. Castle…"

"Where would you like it?" Castle said with that smug but charming smile of his. At that moment Kate was no longer sure if she wanted to slap him or kiss him. Either way, she was certain she would enjoy the moment.

"Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD. We need to ask you a few questions about a murder that took place earlier tonight."

His daughter leaned over his shoulder and retrieved the Sharpie. "That's new," obviously responding to some earlier comment he must have made while she was watching them.

_The 12__th__ Precinct Later in the Evening_

She watched him through the two way mirror. Richard Castle did not look worried or uncomfortable at all. In fact, he appeared to be enjoying the experience. She could almost hear the words she was certain he would be putting down on a blank page later in the evening. Wait. He had killed off Derek Storm. Who would be sitting in the interrogation room for his next novel? Well, clearly a murderer did not enjoy preening in the mirrored glass nor did they pretend to have conversations with their interrogators. She couldn't believe he had even tried to sound like Bogie when he was asking the questions.

She had observed enough. Now for the hard part, how do you interview a witness that flirts with every woman on the planet when your heart races just looking at him? She tells herself, "You are a professional and this man-child is just another millionaire with an ego larger than Manhattan. Let's go get this over with." And with those words of encouragement to herself, she picks up his file of ridiculous arrests and heads into the interview.

_Beckett's Apartment Just past Midnight_

She soaked the day away in her very hot tub of bubbles. Even though she was on her third glass of wine, she had not stopped kicking herself for revealing herself as a fan. She should have known he would call her out on that. At least, he didn't remember her from their previous encounter. If she was absolutely honest with herself, she looked forward to reading his fan mail. She even wanted to understand how he thinks more than she wanted to catch the killer. Victims deserve justice which she will make sure they get but some mysteries are fun to unravel through reading. She had read all his novels; why not learn more about him. God, he was such a pain in the ass. He was smarmy, egotistical, a show off of the worst kind. Pictures of the crime scene! Seriously, what kind of freak asks for copies to impress his friends?

She tried to dispel all thoughts of him. She found winding herself down with a couple of glasses of wine was proving more difficult than usual.

Later that night while she was dreaming, she realized she must have directed her thoughts on him too much. She really had enjoyed his cries as she spanked him even when he turned and gave her that mischievous grin when she was done. In her dream, he didn't talk. It was about all he didn't do, but still he was silent and it was glorious night of very vivid and satisfying dreams.

_Dr. Burke's Office Present Day_

Kate sits staring off into space, blushing profusely. Had she just admitted to lusting after Castle from the beginning?

"I guess my social life had become anemic after Will left. I didn't go out, didn't really want to. Other than girl nights with Lanie, I had become more reclusive. I worked on my mother's case alone every night and then read a book, usually one of Castle's. He was my best friend even when I hadn't met him yet. And, then there he was smirking at me from the Captain's office. I knew I wouldn't be able to get rid of him for one case. I didn't expect he would keep coming back no matter what I said or did. He always came back."

"Kate, I think we have explored a lot of your feelings today. Take tonight and think on your relationship with him. Before you were in-love with him, you still kept taking him back. Why?"


	3. Chapter 3

He Said Start at the Beginning

Castle has solved her mother's murder. He presented her with the answers knowing the cost. He knew to do so was to lose her. She runs to Dr. Burke to help decide where to go from here.

I am thankful to not own or contribute in any way to the characters of Castle. AM produces a show created with characters of greater depth than are normally allowed on TV…I would hate to have the responsibility to main the quality of the show week to week.

Chapter 3

_Dr. Burke's Office Present Day_

Kate sits staring off into space, blushing profusely. Had she just admitted to lusting after Castle from the beginning?

"I guess my social life had become anemic after Will left. I didn't go out, didn't really want to. Other than girl nights with Lanie, I had become more reclusive. I worked on my mother's case alone every night and then read a book, usually one of Castle's. He was my best friend even when I hadn't met him yet. And, then there he was smirking at me from the Captain's office. I knew I wouldn't be able to get rid of him for one case. I didn't expect he would keep coming back no matter what I said or did. He always came back."_ "_Kate, I think we have explored a lot of your feelings today. Take tonight and think on your relationship with him. Before you were in-love with him, you still kept taking him back. Why?"

"Kate, I think we have explored a lot of your feelings today. Take tonight and think on your relationship with him. Before you were in-love with him, you still kept taking him back. Why?"

_The 12__th__ Precinct, Kate's Desk 10:00am_

Kate looked at the empty chair next to her desk for the thousandth time. This time she wouldn't take him back. He has had enough second, no third chances or was it fourth? She lost count awhile back; however, some of the times she had let things go because he never knew the whole truth. She had lied about why she wouldn't go to the beach house; the temptation was going to be too great. Even if Demming had not been in the picture, she was not willing to go there with Castle then. The fear of losing him changed her mind. This time has to be different. She can't trust him; she can't damage him further.

Standing up, she picks up the chair and puts it next to Karpowski's desk. She goes to the break room and argues with Castle's coffee machine. God, he really is everywhere today. Giving up, she grabs her coat and walks to the elevator. Starbucks isn't that far away. Maybe Lanie needs a cup. No. That would lead to a conversation she really doesn't want for now.

She stepped into the elevator and leaned on the back wall. Staring at her reflection in the door, she noticed that she had stood off center as if Rick was going to be riding with her. Even her subconscious had given him a space.

_Dr. Burke's Office The First Follow-up Visit_

"I realized he was more important to me than I wanted him to be rather early on. We were using him to visit an underground poker game. He scoped out a bunch of tattooed Russian gangsters. Being Castle, he irritated several of the men at the table and put himself at risk. I found myself transforming into a Russian hooker to get in to building to save him. Back then I convinced myself I did it because he was a friend of the mayor. Now, I know I did it because I couldn't stand the idea that he would be injured on our behalf.

There were many times before the first book came out that I couldn't decide whether I wanted him gone or needed him to make me smile. When he came in, he pushed all my buttons to irritate me, touched things he shouldn't, said every thought that came into his head appropriate or not. I convinced myself I hated it, but then he disappeared for a while and I missed the silliness. I missed the companionship and the irreverence. I missed hearing crazy CIA conspiracy theories and then one day he was back with these gorgeous model's worthy of Victoria's draped all over him. They were wearing so little I couldn't understand why we weren't arresting them for indecent exposure …and they were going to publish it in a magazine at the Mayor's request! The nerve of Castle, he actually tried to pretend that the skimpily clad women had nothing to do with him. Trust me, he wasn't suffering. On top of all that he had the nerve to think that I was upset over those girls in need of stripper poles. I was upset because he had looked into my mother's case. Yes, he found answers that I hadn't but I had specifically told him to leave it alone because I believed I had let it go. I now know I had only taken a small vacation from it. Sooner or later, I would have charged off down that path. Whether it would be because of a case that had similarities or if curiosity just took charge of my life again, mom's case has never been far from my mind. I blamed him for…for…for giving me an excuse to dive right back in over my head without a life vest. I could no longer pretend to be fulfilled chasing down perps for someone else to get justice. What happened to my justice? I still craved it.

At one point he realized how much it meant to me for him to seek me out and apologize. I soon found out that he treasured those private things I shared with him: the reason for the watch and the ring, my hidden murder board, and a stupid soap opera I watch because of my mother. He listens so intently when I share the most trivial detail that has no meaning to anyone else. He was wrong when he said that I never tried to let anyone into my private world. I have. But, you try to share and they usually hear only the things they want. After I understood this, I no longer wasted my time. He is different; he asks and probes my inner thoughts. He hears me. Rick doesn't find how broken and damaged I am to be unappealing. He seems to think it makes me more beautiful. "

"You do realize, you still haven't answered my question? Why do you take him back?" Dr. Burke sat quietly smiling. He knows the answer. I have learned enough about him to know that he was aware of the outcome of this conversation prior to asking the question the first time.

"I am not sure. I liked having him need to apologize, to seek my approval. I wanted him pulling my pigtails so that I wouldn't isolate myself further. But if that is true, then I was falling for him at the beginning. I thought I was just charmed by a rather charismatic guy that one day would realize that my life, what little there was of it needed to be ordinary. I needed Demming and even Josh. They didn't ask questions. They had no problem with status quo. I had been seeing Josh for nearly 9 months and we hadn't made any real progress to becoming more permanent. We were exclusive not because of promises but because work kept us too busy to bother looking. After the nearly dying with Castle 3 times in as many days, I finally shared the story of my mother with Josh. I thought that would strengthen us. I wanted it to make us a normal couple that shared our pains and our joys. Instead it just highlighted what I was missing. He didn't offer to look over the murder board with me. If anything he emphasized how I shared it with Castle before him like I had cheated him or something. Then, I made the mistake of mentioning Castle's search into my mother's murder even after I had asked him not to…I did it so he could see that sometimes I needed to be pushed no matter what I said. Josh hated Rick from that moment on. When Rick came to visit me at the hospital, a strange look between Josh and Rick, I had no idea at the time that Josh had assaulted him. All I knew is that I couldn't sit there contentedly with the one I almost loved because the one who took my breath away had walked in the door.

I was scared that he would see what I felt, so I played mind games with him. I blamed him for things that couldn't be his fault or maybe I blamed him for me living. I don't know. So I told him I needed time; and, I knew he would give me as much time as I wanted."

She sighed, stood up, and walked to the window looking out. "I let him come back because I didn't really want normalcy, I wanted to be loved, worshipped. Even when he wasn't in-love with me, he treated me with love and respect. He called me a muse, a goddess. Publicly, I claim to hate it, but who really hates being called a goddess? How can you?"

"What I find baffling, is that you have decided you want to live without him because of his betrayal, yet you sound as if you still trust his judgment about what you need. You accepted that he pushed you because you needed to be pushed. He gave you space after visiting you at the hospital because you wanted it. How can you say you don't trust him because of a protective behavior when you so obviously trust him to do the right thing for you with everything else?"

Kate looked at the floor. On the verge of tears she looked up at Dr. Burke and said, "You know I misjudged him at the hospital. I think I almost lost him that time. He was so hurt and angry at the book signing. When I handed him the book and asked him to make it out to Kate, I could see him fighting the anger. He signed it. 'To Det. Beckett, an inspiration to us all. Rick Castle. ' There were no terms of endearment. He didn't use my name though I asked for it. I didn't realize he thought I had brushed him off with the smallest of goodbyes. I had died in front of him and then pushed him away. Who does that to their friend? To the one they love? I didn't even tell him I heard him. I gave him nothing at all that day other than blame, pain and rejection."

Kate walked over to the window and watched sun begin to set on her city.

"Why don't you think how you should answer that one? Who does do that to their lover? We can talk about your answers when you feel that you have an answer you can live with."


	4. Chapter 4

He Said Start at the Beginning

Castle has solved her mother's murder. He presented her with the answers knowing the cost. He knew to do so was to lose her. She runs to Dr. Burke to help decide where to go from here.

I am thankful to not own or contribute in any way to the characters of Castle. AM produces a show created with characters of greater depth than are normally allowed on TV…I would hate to have the responsibility to main the quality of the show week to week.

Kate looked at the floor. On the verge of tears she looked up at Dr. Burke and said, "You know I misjudged him at the hospital. I think I almost lost him that time. He was so hurt and angry at the book signing. When I handed him the book and asked him to make it out to Kate, I could see him fighting the anger. He signed it. 'To Det. Beckett, an inspiration to us all. Rick Castle. ' There were no terms of endearment. He didn't use my name though I asked for it. I didn't realize he thought I had brushed him off with the smallest of goodbyes. I had died in front of him and then pushed him away. Who does that to their friend? To the one they love? I didn't even tell him I heard him. I gave him nothing at all that day other than blame, pain and rejection."

Kate walked over to the window and watched sun begin to set on her city.

"Why don't you think how you should answer that one? Who does do that to their lover? We can talk about your answers when you feel that you have an answer you can live with."

Chapter 4

_Kate's Apartment Friday Evening (3 days later)_

Lanie wrapped on Kate's door with the heel of her shoe. "I thought you said you wanted a girls' night?"

Kate opened it to be face to face with a large number of bags burying the medical examiner. Kate laughed at how ridiculous she looked.

"Lanie there are 2 people here, not 10. We aren't feeding a village."

"No, we are feeding 5 people. Javi, Kevin and Jenny will arrive shortly for dinner. Then, Jenny is going to a meeting she has scheduled that is walking distance of here and the boys will be off the watch the Nicks. I bought Javi the tickets so it wouldn't look like I was kicking him out. The boys wanted it to be an all couples night at the Old Haunt. I didn't think that sounded like a good idea."

Kate quietly agreed and was feeling apprehensive about having the couples come to dinner with no real announcement, not to mention how explosive Lanie tended to be around Jenny.

Before Kate had a chance to question anything, Esposito walked in the door carrying another bag. They had bought dinner at a nearby Italian restaurant. Esposito had stopped to pick up a few bottles of wine to go with their dinner.

"Yo, Beckett, where do you keep your wine glasses so we can set this table up. Ryan and Jenny will be here in 5."

By the time the dinner was over, Kate had relaxed as the tension she feared never arose. The group worked together to clean up the mess and Ryan carried out the garbage so that Kate wouldn't have to deal with it later. Jenny stayed behind for just a moment.

"Kate, I know this is none of my business. And, you probably wish Kevin didn't share everything with me, but we are truly open with each other. We don't keep secrets. Ever since the Natalie Rhoads incident, we learned it only destroys what you care about most, each other.

Anyway, Kevin told me that he didn't understand what you were going through, but when he described recent events. I think I do. My mother gave me this when I had a struggle of my own. She handed Kate a book and said read what I have marked and see if it helps."

With that Jenny exited leaving Kate alone with Lanie. Was she prepared for this conversation? She sat the book down on the coffee table and sat down with Lanie on the couch.

If Kate was hoping for silence, her wish went unfulfilled. She started in immediately.  
>"How long are you going to make him wait this time? A week? A month? 3 months? 6 months? It's already been 5 days. Kate, I will give you a little advice, I wouldn't wait for that month to be up. He might not be waiting too much longer. I am still not completely convinced he returned after you left all of us in the cold."<p>

Kate sighed. The crushing weight of the truth sat heavily on her heart. Everything Lanie said was true. But none of it gave her the why she needed to identify. Why does she do this to those she loves? If she just likes you, the abuse is far, far less. You may actually receive real consideration for your feelings. When the line between like and love gets crossed, consideration disappears. You are supposed to accept Beckett as Beckett without expectations. Where is Kate when that happens?

She looks up at Lanie and says, "Rick isn't the only one I should quit brushing off. I know you wanted to help me this summer. You want to help me with the problems I have now, yet I won't let you. I do want you to know I went back to the department shrink. He is helping me make progress. He has helped me see that the only person I can let down is me. And, I think I have already done that for a while.

"Girl, you know I love you, but you and the doc better find a way to get your head out of your ass soon. Rick has been kicked too hard too many times to wait very long. Like it or not, you need him and you love him more than anything else."

Kate stared at her incredulously. "What did you think I haven't noticed that dreamy, faraway look you get when you are watching him sniffing around my morgue? You know me better than that."

"I suppose I do, Lanie. I suppose I do."

With that admission the M.E. snuck into Kate's kitchen where she opened the refrigerator.

"I didn't tell Javi or anyone else. These were just for us. She brought out a small box of cannoli."

Kate gave her a questioning look. "Like you couldn't use to gain some weight! You are still too thin. You haven't been eating hospital food for nearly 9 months. EAT."

Kate picked up a cannoli and licked the cream off the top. Taking her first bite, she couldn't suppress the sudden grin.

"I had forgotten how wonderful these are. And, I do eat. But with all the therapy both mental and physical, my stomach stays in knots."

They shared a few not-so-quiet hours enjoying one another's company, before Lanie decided to head out. She was on call for the night and was afraid to not go home at a reasonable hour.

After Lanie left, Kate was still thinking on her friend's words, but they didn't help her with an answer any more than her days of staring at the empty space where a chair used to be. She looked down at the coffee table to Jenny's book. There was a pink post it note with an arrow attached. It was at the end of Joan Didion's _On Self Respect. _She read the entire essay thinking it pointless until she neared the end. Suddenly this writer that is a perfect stranger slapped her in the face just as Castle's writing had once provided comfort.

"To have that sense of one's intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect

is potentially to have everything…To lack it is to be locked within oneself,

paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference."

Was it really that simple? She had ceased to respect herself at some point. When she stopped and thought about it, she immediately knew when it happened too. The night of the kiss she knew where she was meant to be, but she did nothing about it. She stayed with Josh because he gave up a trip for her, not because she loved him. She chose sacrifice over happiness. She chose good enough rather than extraordinary. She was a greater fool than most people would give her credit for.

Looking at the page once again she was struck with its final truth.

"Without it, one eventually discovers the final turn of the screw: one runs

away to find oneself, and finds no one at home."

Some truths are unavoidable she had run from him as hard she could to "heal herself" and when she returned she found a more reserved and more reluctant man who may not really want to be there anymore. And Kate Beckett didn't seem to exist within her anymore. She forced herself to behave as they expected; it was hard work.

She picked up her phone and sent a text to Dr. Burke.

I have an answer. Can we meet?

With that she lay down on the couch, and opened _Heat Rises_ and looked at the dedication. She hadn't deserved one and he certainly had given it to one who did. She hoped the next book would be hers again. What if there isn't another book? He signed a contract for 3 more, right?

Her mind raced over that thought. Nikki Heat may have died because of her. Wouldn't that be horrible? What if she could be the death of her literary alter ego? That would mean he gave up on her. She couldn't bear that thought.

Her phone pinged.

My office 9am. Bring your own breakfast and coffee.


	5. Chapter 5

He Said Start at the Beginning

Castle has solved her mother's murder. He presented her with the answers knowing the cost. He knew to do so was to lose her. She runs to Dr. Burke to help decide where to go from here.

I am thankful to not own or contribute in any way to the characters of Castle. AM produces a show created with characters of greater depth than are normally allowed on TV…I would hate to have the responsibility to main the quality of the show week to week.

Some truths are unavoidable she had run from him as hard she could to "heal herself" and when she returned she found a more reserved and more reluctant man who may not really want to be there anymore. And Kate Beckett didn't seem to exist within her anymore. She forced herself to behave as they expected; it was hard work.

She picked up her phone and sent a text to Dr. Burke.

I have an answer. Can we meet?

With that she lay down on the couch, and opened _Heat Rises_ and looked at the dedication. She hadn't deserved one and he certainly had given it to one who did. She hoped the next book would be hers again. What if there isn't another book? He signed a contract for 3 more, right?

Her mind raced over that thought. Nikki Heat may have died because of her. Wouldn't that be horrible? What if she could be the death of her literary alter ego? That would mean he gave up on her. She couldn't bear that thought.

Her phone pinged.

My office 9am. Bring your own breakfast and coffee.

Chapter 5

_Outside Dr. Burke's Office Saturday Morning_

At 8:55am Saturday morning Kate leaned on the wall outside Dr. Burke's door holding her 3rd steaming cup of coffee for the morning. She looked her watch again; it still wasn't 9 yet.

She had managed to sleep for only a little while. Every dream woke her with new fears of what she may have lost. What if she called and he didn't come? It was a very real possibility even though he said he was waiting for her to decide. She is beginning to realize that terrifies her. Maybe she really hasn't called because her delusional anger is just a veiled attempt at hiding the much larger possibility. He doesn't believe she will call; and, it was easier than saying goodbye even though it meant the same thing. As dawn cracked over the horizon, she became sure with the return of the sunlight that her darkest fears were what he had meant. There was no hope in that sunrise.

"Morning Kate" Dr. Burke startled her out of her thoughts. "You look terrified. Why don't we come in and talk about it?" He unlocked the door and stepped aside for her to enter.

"I have had the epiphany we were waiting on. I don't mistreat him or anyone else because I don't love them or respect them. The issue is with me.

It never occurred to me until an acquaintance handed me an essay to read. I did it to humor her, not expecting anything. The truth leapt off the page within minutes. What is more, I knew when the self-loathing had arrived. I have been disappointed in myself many times: lying to Castle about why I wouldn't go to the Hamptons with him, being fooled into shooting the man that stabbed my mother so that I lost every trail of workable clues I had, letting Josh gloat about his relationship with me in front of Castle. But in all those times, I never felt like I had been disloyal or unfaithful. I just had made the wrong decision, the safer decision.

Then one night on a stakeout we saved my partners by surprising the outside guard. In that moment, Rick grabbed me for a kiss to make the man believe we were just drunken lovers returning from a night of partying. I lost myself in that kiss; I had no desire to be doing anything else in the world than be in that moment for as long as possible. It took all of my strength to pull myself away to knock the man out. In my heart, I no longer wanted Josh at all. I didn't think about him once that evening until we were back at the station, not one passing thought. That kiss, on the other hand, I thought about all the time even when I was with Josh that night. Fantasizing about Castle became something I did almost constantly. I knew it was wrong. I made excuses for myself. And as time went on, Josh did more and more that showed me he wanted more and I wanted less. I was afraid of what Castle and I could be. I was afraid that he would be disappointed when he saw who I have become. I let myself toy with another man's heart to prove to myself that I could have normalcy. I was creating more fiction than Castle writes; but the only person who bought it was the victim, not me."

Kate was playing with the lid of her coffee trying to come to grips with her self-loathing.

"Your solution is rather simple. You have to prove to yourself that you can be honest and deserving with the right man. When you get that fixed, you will begin to forgive yourself. Loyalty, honor and trust are things that you hold in very high esteem so much so that you are unforgiving of yourself when you are weak and human. Think for a moment. Haven't all of your loved ones at one point or another broken your trust whether or on accident or on purpose? But, you always forgave after they understood what they had done to you. You were also generally willing to accept that many of their mistakes were made with the best of intentions. You admitted to me many sessions ago that you knew when you saw Castle at the hospital that he had meant that I love you. He wasn't trying to manipulate or make you leave Josh. He just told you to prevent himself from regretting never telling you the complete truth. In some ways you were angry with his honesty, and in other ways you were delighted that he was finally willing to admit who you were to each other. The only problem was, you had longed to hear him say it, yet it was the most terrifying revelation. The decision became yours. You panicked. Congratulations, even Katherine Beckett can make truly bad decisions when she is scared. It is time to accept you are only human."

He sat quietly for a few minutes.

"So what do I do now?"

"I don't know Kate, what do you do? What action do you need to take to make him trust you? What do you need to say or do?"

She stood up and walked to the window. She looked down into the street only to see an ad for Heat Rises flash by on the side of a bus. She made a little sad laugh and then she stopped and looked around to Burke. "I know exactly what I have to do." She thanked Dr. Burke for his time and left.

_Castle's Apartment Noon Saturday_

He was tired with wrestling his latest Nikki Heat novel. He kept writing her into deadly situations that there was no way to believably allow the character to live. His fear of losing her was influencing too much. As his phone rang, he truly appreciated the distraction.

Rick went to answer the door as the he had already been contacted that he had a delivery. A man handed him a bouquet of red roses and an envelope the size of a wedding invitation. Puzzled, he signed for his package and took the roses to the kitchen and placed them in a vase on the counter. He picked up the card and walked toward his office. As he got out of range of the roses, he began to realize there was a faint hint of cherries coming off the paper. It simply said: Rick, this is for you and you alone.

He opened the envelope and slid out the handwritten card.

_Once you have opened this card and accepted its contents, please come see me. I miss you. _

Maybe there was hope for Nikki Heat after all. He opened the card and almost fell over.

In his hand he held a picture of a younger drunken Detective Beckett topless with a very distinctive Richard Castle signature across her chest taking a picture of herself in a bathroom mirror. He began to laugh so hard tears were rolling down his cheeks. He flipped the picture over.

_I should have said this at the hospital, but I was afraid and broken. My therapist has helped me come far enough that I feel I can finally say….I love you, too. _

_Kate_

_PS. The sooner you show up, the sooner you can actually hear me say it. No, I won't say it for you over the phone._

Rick headed toward his shower. He definitely needed to do something about his appearance. He was wearing the same clothes he had been wearing since he drank himself into oblivion Thursday night. He felt like someone could get a contact high from the alcohol fumes coming off his clothes. Looking in his mirror, he realized a shave was more than required too. He wondered how fast he could make himself into the handsome man she deserved for revealing so much.


	6. Chapter 6

Note to my lovely readers: I am sorry I had to inflict a cliffhanger on you but I have an enormous stack of essays to grade. I will be posting as I can. I have 10 class days to get everything graded and then deal with a final…I can't promise much.

He Said Start at the Beginning

Castle has solved her mother's murder. He presented her with the answers knowing the cost. He knew to do so was to lose her. She runs to Dr. Burke to help decide where to go from here.

I am thankful to not own or contribute in any way to the characters of Castle. AM produces a show created with characters of greater depth than are normally allowed on TV…I would hate to have the responsibility to main the quality of the show week to week.

_Castle's Apartment Noon Saturday_

He opened the envelope and slid out the handwritten card.

_Once you have opened this card and accepted its contents, please come see me. I miss you. _

Maybe there was hope for Nikki Heat after all. He opened the card and almost fell over.

In his hand he held a picture of a younger drunken Detective Beckett topless with a very distinctive Richard Castle signature across her chest taking a picture of herself in a bathroom mirror. He began to laugh so hard tears were rolling down his cheeks. He flipped the picture over.

_I should have said this at the hospital, but I was afraid and broken. My therapist has helped me come far enough that I feel I can finally say….I love you, too. _

_Kate_

_PS. The sooner you show up, the sooner you can actually hear me say it. No, I won't say it for you over the phone._

Rick headed toward his shower. He definitely needed to do something about his appearance. He was wearing the same clothes he had been wearing since he drank himself into oblivion Thursday night. He felt like someone could get a contact high from the alcohol fumes coming off his clothes. Looking in his mirror, he realized a shave was more than required too. He wondered how fast he could make himself into the handsome man she deserved for revealing so much.

Chapter 6

_Kate's Apartment Approaching One Saturday_

Kate has showered and dressed in her Saturday comfortable jeans and one of the button up shirts that Castle enjoys peering down. She knows he now knows exactly what her breasts used to look like prior to the shooting. But, if she tries to be honest with herself, she isn't nervous about him being turned off by her scars. She wonders if he can get over how she has treated him for more than year. There are so many times in the last 4 years that she has said the wrong thing, turned left when she should have turned right. Did she hurt him every time or was that just recently that the pain arrived? What if her gesture was too late and much too late? What if he didn't come to her? Was she brave enough to knock on his door for this? She had sent the envelope by way of a florist because the idea of going to him had caused a panic attack. It had taken a Clonazepam and 20 minutes of breathing exercises for it to stop. She wasn't afraid of Rick; she was afraid of her own powers of destruction. What if she had already given him more heartache then he intended to allow her to give? What if his I love you needs to be retracted? What if she killed any love he had for her with her callous treatment?

She paced across her apartment for the 322nd trip. She should stop counting. This is getting pathetic. He will come; he will come. Maybe he hasn't received the message yet. Maybe, he is out running errands or spending time with Alexis. Her cellphone rang. No, this couldn't be happening. Not a body. Not TODAY! Not NOW!

She answered almost immediately panicking. It was Castle.

"Ummmm. Hi?" She bit her lip nervously. She crossed her fingers praying this wasn't him saying it wasn't going to happen ever.

"Kate, I need you to open the door. My arms are full. THUD…Damn it!" She had heard the "damn it!" rather loudly through her front door. She sprinted to open it.

Castle stood holding a bag from Remy's and what she guessed had to me milkshakes and his new IPhone was sitting between his feet with a cracked screen.

"I dialed you with my chin. I didn't think I would drop it. Now look at it."

She gave him a shy smile and took the cups from him. She hesitantly gave him a peck on the cheek. She turned and began walking toward her kitchen table. "Rick, come in. I am glad you came. I wasn't sure that you would after…well, after everything."

He put the bags of food down and made an effort to turn off his phone even with a cracked screen. He sat at the table and posed to listen exactly like he had the night Kate revealed to him how she had watched _Temptation Lane_ with her mother. He didn't say anything and didn't smile.

"I guess you deserve to hear everything from me. I want to tell you everything. I just don't think I can see all of it in the same day."

She could see his shoulders beginning to sag.

"Wait, Rick. I didn't mean I wasn't going to make a few giant leaps today. I should start with the first 2 really important things I have to say. Firstly, I am sorry for everything; Josh, Demming, hiding, running, and not trusting in us. I am sorry for not calling all summer. I am sorry I have pushed you away over and over while knowing you wouldn't hurt me. I knew you would always do right by me. And…I knew even when I threw you out of my apartment that no matter what I had become…that Katherine Beckett loves Richard Castle more than anything else and has for a while. I knew you loved me before you said it. You say it in thousands of little ways every day. I am sorry I couldn't just say I love you too." Kate had begun to cry early on in her listing of the things she failed him with, but she wasn't looking him in his face any more. She had her elbows on the table with her palms covering her eyes.

"God, Rick I am such an idiot." Her shoulders sagged and her head was feeling heavier

"Kate, you know Remy's is best while it is still warm." She spread some of her fingers enough to peak through. Is that all he has to say?

"Beautiful idiot that you are, you had me at ummm."

"Castle!"

"Sorry, you were too serious and frightened. You have said all I need to hear until lunch is over at the earliest. Judging by how tired you look, this week has been no easier on you than it has me. Eat my love."

She stood up and retrieved 2 plates and napkins and sat back at the table. Rick sat out the burgers and gave her the straw to her shake and put his own in his cup.

"Rick, for the record Jerry Maguire could quite possibly be my most hated movie ever. Tom Cruise plays with his hair; he thinks that is supposed to convey his sadness and how conflicted he is. He is the acting equivalent of spray can cheese. It looks like cheese and may be a cheese like substance but it isn't cheese. It is a processed cheese food…like we know what that is?"

Rick grinned. "Duly noted. I think the term is actually no talent ass clown. Oh, wait that is actually Michael Bolton."

They companionably until they were left with only crumbs and French fry bits. Rick reached into his jacket inside pocket. He carefully sat the envelope on the table.

"First question." Suddenly she looked terrified. Was he returning it? Was this just a friendly show to let her down easy?

"Kate, focus." She squinted her eyes in irritation, "I want to know, may I keep it?"

Her jaw dropped open for a minute. "So, you would be willing to give it back?"  
>"Of course, I have already scanned it. You ought to see how beautiful you are on my smart board and you are the best screen saver I have ever had."<p>

He couldn't tell if she was just stunned beyond comprehension or if she was horrified.

"I am just kidding, Kate. I wanted to make sure you really wanted ME to have it for good. Please, let me keep it. Please." He gave her his most boyish charming grin possible.

"If I say yes, does that bring our question and answer period to a close?"

"No, but it will get temporarily suspended to give us time to clean up our mess and move to a more comfortable setting."

"She picked up the bags and trash; he carried the plates to the kitchen sink, rinsed them off and put them in her dishwasher."

"Rick, if you are trying to win points by cleaning up after yourself, it's working." She had snuck up behind him. She hugged him from behind and put her forehead on the back of his neck. She took a deep breath clinging to him for a minute or two. Her heart was pounding in her chest, but she just needed the comfort of physical contact with him. She couldn't wait until he thought it was appropriate. She needed his comfort now.

He could feel her trembling against him. She was wrestling her demons again. He laced his fingers through her and just let her breathe. He knew she was making a true and real attempt to be honest with him. If he didn't believe that, he knew he had been prepared to leave the photograph with her and go home. He couldn't hold onto that wonderfully private moment if he believed she regretted letting him see it.

"Could we continue to cuddle on the couch Kate? I want to talk about a few things today. I want to start the dialogue, but I don't want to force you to go faster than you can handle. I think we both need to work on what we share with each other. Would you like to start to answer all of those nagging questions that hold us back because if you don't, we won't make any more progress?"

She slowly unwrapped herself from his back and laced her hand in his pulling him toward the sofa.

"I know we need to start. But, I want to reserve the right to say when we hit something I am not ready for yet. I don't want to say no, just not today." She turned to face him in front of the sofa before she sat down. She now held both of his hands. "Rick, one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn as that sometimes I have to wait for the answers to come to me about myself. If I can't answer and be 100% sure what I want to say, I will have to ask you to wait until I have an answer. It won't mean I am avoiding it. But, it might mean that we have another Saturday sitting on the sofa talking about it. Okay?"

He leaned down and rubbed his nose with hers. "Okay, but let's agree to not leave each other angry, upset or afraid about our intentions."

"I can definitely live with that." She said directing him to sit. "Do you want to ask me more questions or do you want me to try to decide what I can volunteer?"

"Second question. Exactly when was that picture taken? And why is your hair long and red and you didn't wind up in my bed that night? I would remember if you had. I am sure of that."

"It was one of your last book signings for _Storm's Break. _Will had chosen his career over me and as you can guess; it did wonders for my self-esteem. I went out to go clubbing that night and drown my sorrows, but as I left the first club of the evening I saw a poster for your book signing and on a whim, I dropped. I drank up enough courage to ask for the autograph. I don't remember much about what you said, but I do remember we flirted enough that I made myself leave before I could leave myself with the possibility of an uncomfortable situation in the morning. I don't remember my trip home or taking the picture. But, the next time I turned on my camera—there it was."

"I mean, Wow. I met you before, I met you." He sat contemplating his next question.

"Rick, I know when I became harder on you from my perspective, but I am curious when you think it happened and why. Would you be willing to help me see what you did?"

"Are you sure you want to know?"

She nodded her response.

"I can't give you one date or event because it was gradual and inconsistent. The night we kissed was amazing until we returned to the precinct and you left with him. That hurt, but you were where you had to be at that time. So, I tried to show you how things could be with if we became an us. Your sniping comments increased when you were jealous of other women around me. You were in a relationship and I was free, but you didn't want me with anyone else. You wanted your physical lover and your best friend/soul mate to be exclusive to you. It was hard to be around. The closer we became with our friendship, the less time we spent relaxing together. You know longer welcomed me to your apartment at all. You answered with a 'Castle, What is it now?' if I dropped by because I was worried about you. But, you forced me to come over by not responding when I called. I had no choice. To be your friend I had to go and be despised. I think you were getting meaner because you liked the comfort of us, but you wanted the freedom of Josh. You also wanted to keep me safe from your damaged heart."

She put her head on his shoulder. "Rick, you aren't too far off what I think. I think when I kissed you, I knew. I knew I was cheating on you with Josh and rubbing your nose in it. I gave myself millions of reasons why he should be my choice, but you don't reason with your heart. You once said the heart wants what it wants; you have never, ever said anything else that could possibly be that true. Your love is so devoted and possessive and suffocating and comforting and worshipping and frustrating. I don't know how to deal with it. I let myself be eaten alive by pain and thoughts of justice, maybe revenge. I couldn't have my fantasy with you and live like that. And, in the end I hated myself for the trickery, selfishness, obsessiveness, dishonesty and my lack of loyalty and honor to you. To be fair, I felt a bit guilty about Josh. You were far more important. Sadly, I didn't understand any of that until late last night. I went to see Dr. Burke at 9am this morning to help figure out how to move forward. So, what I need to know, even though I am not healed and may never be, am I making enough progress where you can feel me opening up? Or is the wall still too high to see the top or is it getting shorter?"

"Kate, I love you. I am grateful, and amazed at your progress. Do you remember that day when I said that you needed to back off from your mother's case? We would find the answers, but just not today? Same idea applies here Kate. You have come a long way. Let's continue to make baby steps forward. But, I am looking at a very emotionally drained and physically exhausted Kate Beckett. We need to give it a rest for now."

She cuddled into his side, not saying a word. She handed him the remote and said,"Nothing heavy."

He flipped through the stations until he found Nobody's Fool with Paul Newman playing. They both watched enjoying their closeness. Sleep took them before very long.


	7. Chapter 7

Note to my lovely readers: If you are enjoying this you have many of my students' academic indiscretions to thank for this. So far I have a stack of 7 plagiarized papers of which each is co-authored. That means 14 students insulted my intelligence. These will get returned and won't be graded until I have something written in their words. I have managed to grade 3/4 of what I need to and am taking a mental break before I begin screaming obscenities at anyone and anything. For those encouraging me with your reviews, I thank you. I am feeling rather unappreciated by my students right now. It helps balance it out. Pardon the influx of dark humor. At this moment I am relating a little too much with Joe from Joe vs. the Volcano when he is sitting in his gray, grimy office looking at the uber tacky Hawaiian lamp. I am Joe. This story is the lamp…you get the picture.

BTW: I don't own Castle. Blah, blah, blah…AM is that genius, not me.

He Said Start at the Beginning Chapter 7

When last we saw our favorite couple Beckett had apologized for almost everything and Castle is listening. In other words, they have made progress but they are still only making baby steps forward.

_Beckett's Apartment 2am_

The ring of Kate's phone rattled them from their sleep. The tv was still glowing. Kate grabs her phone, "Beckett."

She pauses and listens to dispatch.

"Rick we have a body. Do you want to come or do you need to go home and change first?"

Rick smiles at her. "Don't you think the boys will suspect something if I arrive with you?"

"Yes, but at a crime scene they are less likely to play 20 questions with me. And, they know how miserable I have been. They don't understand why I did what I did. They never will. But, if you are willing to try for us to be a couple, we might as well break them in as we go."

She left a very stunned Castle trying to adjust to this new idea. He had thought for sure that they would hide everything from their friends. Kate hid everything; they said she kept things close to the vest, but the truth was that she hid her life from her friends and family. Maybe she was ready to quit hiding not just for him, but for everyone she loved.

Kate went and washed her face, brushed her hair and began to apply a little make up. The clothes she had on from last night were a little wrinkled, but she thought if I am going to quit cutting everyone off, I need to make an obvious effort to tell them what is going on with me.

There was a knock at the bathroom door.  
>"You wouldn't happen to have a spare toothbrush would you?"<p>

"I don't have a spare, but I do have one I bought just for you." She handed him a batman toothbrush with a smirk. They brushed their teeth in content silence, then she let him have the bathroom to freshen up so they could leave. While he did that she grabbed her badge, gun and jacket.

Castle smiled at her as they arrived at the crime scene. He was amazed she had come this far in 24 hours. Then he realized that it had not been 24 hours, not even close. This is what she had been doing quietly for months since her return from disability leave. Kate may not be the most open person, nor was she the most flexible, but she was trying to be a better person. He had to give her credit for that. He hoped this newest edition of Kate would last.

"Don't you want to go over the crime scene rules before we get out?"

"Castle, I am trying not to come up with any rules. How about you don't give me a reason to and I will try not to feel it's necessary?"

He leaned over toward her trying to see if she would allow him to kiss her before they got out. She didn't withdraw, but she didn't initiate either. He could tell she still was not comfortable with the idea. He quickly brushed his lips across hers, and moved to exit the car. Instead, she grabbed his wrist and pulled him back in.

"Can we try that again?" This time she kissed him and it was not an innocent peck on the cheek. It started small but slowly became the passion-filled lip lock Kate had been waiting for and wanting. She pulled back gently and gave him an embarrassed smile.

"Beckett, I think we might want to go ahead exit the car. If we stay here much longer I will have to keep kissing you and then I won't be able to concentrate on the crime scene."

"So what else is new? You always have trouble concentrating on the crime scene."

They walked together to where the crime scene tape and uniformed officers demarcated which alley the crime scene was located in. The smell announced their victim's presence. They arrived in time to watch Lanie begin her examination of the bloated corpse.

Ryan, Esposito, Beckett and Castle stood a few feet back watching the M.E. She started examining the hands, then the face of their corpse.

"Rigor has not set. There are not defense wounds on the hands. Hmm"

She stepped around its head and stumbled over a garden hose.

"Who keeps a garden hose behind a Chinese restaurant?" complained the M.E.

She bent down to examine the marks on the man's neck.

"These are strange. It looks like he was tied around the neck, but there are separate signs of strangulation. Looks like the perp tied him down before crushing his windpipe."

She reached for his arm to examine the wrist. She again lost her footing because of the hose. When she did this she bumped the rib cage of the corpse. Instantly the stomach exploded spraying the entire team with stomach acid, intestine and rice.

"We look like we have been to a seriously misguided Goth wedding!" Castle laughed at Esposito trying to remove rice bits from inside his nose."

Castle let out a girly squeal when he ran his hand through his hair and came away with a small chunk of what may have been a piece of lung. "This is just disgusting. Even when I was slimed on Nickelodeon I didn't get this much in my ears."

"Man grow a pair." Esposito looked at the overly pathetic Castle, "That's it; we can just spray ourselves down." Esposito walked toward the garden hose.

"Espo you know that's evidence and it would contaminate the crime scene!" Beckett yelled at him.

"Newsflash, the crime scene just exploded. You can't be serious. I can't get in the car with this guy's guts dripping down the back of my neck. It would take a year to get the smell out."

"No, but have you considered we are wearing evidence. We have to wait for the CSI's to come down and 'salvage' as much of our vic's entrails from our bodies as we can. I enjoyed my meat shower even less than you did, but I am not ruining my crime scene because I feel like I am turning into haggis."

"Javi, we are so not ever eating Chicken Fried Rice here at Yum Yum again." Lanie looked pissed beyond belief, "This may be our worst date disaster yet." She stomped off to notify her transport of the change in state of their cargo.

"She just objects because of the name of the place."

"Dude, you didn't." Ryan gives Espo a disgusted look.

"Ryan, I am going to revoke your man-card on this one. There is nothing wrong with taking a woman to that restaurant. The food is good."

Rick starts laughing. "Espo, seriously you took that lovely woman to dinner at Yum Yum Bangkok and thought she wouldn't mind."

CSI set up a large tent much like the one used in hazmat situations for the team to strip the evidence off their bodies. The technicians picked as much of corpse off the 5 as possible. A portable shower was brought in where everyone could rinse some of the stench off their bodies before putting on scrubs to head to the station.

Kate and Rick were sitting at her desk. She had showered this time with shampoo and soap improving her smell and mood simultaneously. She was wearing a spare set of clothes that she kept at the precinct for days that did not go as planned. She had never had to wash her hair 6 times before just to remove the stench from the crime scene. She was thankful her clothes were now evidence otherwise burning them might sound appealing.

"What time did Martha say she was coming by with clothes for you?"

"Is my overwhelming stench keeping you from working?"

"No, but it is making my coffee taste funny." She rolled her eyes at him. "Actually, I was wondering because I was going to go get us something for breakfast, but didn't want to miss seeing the look on her face when she hears what happened to you."

"Us. Don't you mean us?"

"Yes, but I am not the one who started laughing so hard some of the stomach contents were able to slide into my mouth."

"For the record, both bottles of Listerine were necessary to remove the taste."


	8. Chapter 8

Note to my lovely readers: None of my students have died. Many have had tears from having to redo a heinously plagiarized piece of crap. I still have tons of other poorly written papers to suffer through; however, I prefer your company to theirs at the moment. Okay, not just at the moment, but I want to be a bit of a slacker right now. I have missed this…BTW tell me whether you like having a case in the periphery or the forefront. I am thinking it is going to be a working footnote and let Kate's therapy sessions be the cornerstone. Thoughts anyone?

BTW: I don't own Castle. Blah, blah, blah…AM is that genius, not me.

He Said Start at the Beginning Chapter 8

Beckett and Castle have made tentative steps forward from Kate's view point and then a case of the most disgusting kind has presented itself.

_Dr. Burke's Office Wednesday_

"How are you feeling Kate?"

"I don't know how to answer. Rick and I have had a good talk. I have said I am sorry. We have even shared a few kisses, but I am in this almost alone. He doesn't reject me, but he isn't stepping out on a limb either. We banter and joke, but as soon as it is getting late, he has a dinner or a meeting and he's gone."

Kate looks at the doctor expectantly. He can tell she is hoping for an insight to fix her dilemma. But, he waits her out. She sighs and begins to fill in with more detail.

"Sunday, we woke up on the couch together after watching movies until late. My phone was ringing so there was a body. We went to the crime scene where the whole team had to shower inside a portable shower so that anything that came off our bodies could be run through sieve to catch evidence. Then we were given scrubs to wear to return to the precinct. I had clothes there and was able to finish cleaning up. Rick's mother brought him what he needed. Although she is normally warm and friendly, she hugged me hello and gave an excuse and disappeared. Not even two hours later, Castle said he had to catch up with his publisher ex-wife and he was gone.

At first, I thought nothing of it. But, then Monday rolled around. We had made some headway, we found out that the victim had died by a Chinese torture method of being stuffed full of uncooked rice and then force fed water. That narrowed the suspects considerably. My team had decided to take an early night and start again in the morning. I invited him to dinner and he said something about quality time with Alexis. Then, he vanished. Tuesday morning, he brings me coffee. He looks at the murder board, makes a few suggestions, looks at his watch, says he will see me later and disappears without an explanation. And…" She stopped talking then.

"And what, Kate? He didn't return that day. I called him a few times. It went to voicemail. I didn't bother leaving any messages."

"Why didn't you leave a message?"

"I can't really explain, but I don't feel like he wants me to. He hasn't been around by his choice or at least, I think it is his choice."

"When was the last time you really talked since you said that you had finally done that?"

"We have only had one good talk; it was Saturday. Here we are on Wednesday and I don't think we have been alone except in a squad car since. "

"Kate, did you tell him you wanted time with him or are you wanting him to know that you are waiting? If you are going to be open with him you have to say so. The longer you wait to talk to him, the more nervous and doubting you become."

"True. But, the last move has been on my part. I just want him to have to put something forward."

"You mean more forward than coming to you, instead of you going to him?"

"I invited him!"

"No, you basically commanded him nicely. You are still meeting Rick on your terms. How are you going to be in a fair relationship based on trust if you aren't willing to say you want to see him? Or if you aren't willing to go to him at his house in his space…"

"What if he's writing?"

"What if he is Kate? He is a writer. Sooner or later the two of you will have to work that out. How will you have a relationship, him tag along with you and be able to spend your off time together too? How is he going to get to create Nikki Heat if he is never having time to write?"

Kate almost spoke, and then closed her mouth. She began chewing on her lower lip. She sighed.  
>"Why do I feel like a teenager learning the rules of dating? Do I call? Am I calling enough? Is it too much? Should I text? Should I drop in to see him? I don't have the faintest idea how I should behave and he's my best friend. How is that possible?"<p>

"Maybe that is your problem. He has been a great friend to you, but how many times has it gone the other way? Do you drop in at his apartment? Cheer him up when all isn't right in his world? Are you his best friend too?"

Kate sat quietly. "I don't know."

_Castle's Loft Wednesday Evening_

"Castle."

"Hi. Castle, you said you would see me later. That was more than 24 hours ago, so I was wondering…when is later?"

"I don't know Kate. I got involved with writing a chapter and you had some good solid leads. You didn't need my help. We haven't had to bounce around theory or anything. I wanted to let you get work done, and maybe give you some time."

"Have you eaten?"

"Eaten? Yes, Rick that is when one cooks food chews it and then swallows. It tends to be more pleasant when shared with other people that you care about."

"No Kate. I haven't eaten. Since when have you been with the food police?" 

"My problem is that the person who generally is after me to eat hasn't been around and, umm…I missed my …I don't know Rick. I missed my partner, my friend. My other half." Kate's eyes went wide as she realized what had just rolled out of her mouth without permission.

Rick's side of the phone was equally silent for a moment or two.

"I am almost finished with a chapter, and no one else is here. Would you mind picking up something and dropping in for dinner?"

"Chinese?"

_Castle's Loft Wednesday Evening an hour later_

Castle opened the door, toweling off his hair. He took the bag of food and ushered her toward the kitchen.

"I thought you were writing."

"I was, but I haven't had a real shower since the one at the station to eradicate our misadventure. Inspiration struck and I haven't stopped writing except for minor breaks. I fell asleep for a little while here and there, but I have been busy. Gina will finally be able to shut up and leave me alone. She already has her outline and now will have several chapters ahead of schedule."

Kate looked at him and smiled. He pulled out a seat for her.

"Wine?"

"Yes, definitely." He grabbed a bottle and was opening it. He continued talking not looking at her.

"I am sorry I haven't been in touch. I didn't realize it had been as long as it has."

She felt like they were a million miles apart again.

"I was beginning to think you were mad or I had said too much. Or maybe not enough?"

He sat her wine glass in front of her, placed his hand on her chin and tipped it up so that they looked each other in the eyes.

"I was just inspired, but I am glad you called. Why didn't you call yesterday?"

"I did. " She tried not to sound sad and hurt but failed miserably.

"Ohhh…Um, I didn't hear it. Sorry." He looked sheepish. He pulled their food out and handed her some chopsticks. They began eating.

She could read from his face that it was unintentional. He had been lost in his own creation again.

"I am sorry. It's been a long time since I had to be listening for someone else's call other than Alexis or Mother when I am writing. You never have been bothered when I didn't pick up. You would leave a voicemail and I called you back. Why didn't you leave a message?"

"I wasn't sure if I should. I know we talked Saturday, but we have so much left to settle. What if you had changed your mind?"

"Kate, what? I am not going to change my mind. I don't want to push. I have had to push you for 3 years. I want you to be with me because you want to be, not because I pushed you into it. I want you to be ready for this."

"I want to be ready too." He looked at her expecting there to be more to follow. But, she went back to eating.

"I will make you a deal. If I don't come in, why don't we arrange for us to meet for lunch or dinner?"

"Okay, but if you are writing, I want you tell me when I can come and not disturb your thought process."

"No. If this is going to work, we have to learn for me to write and us to have time. If I am writing, I will text you and you can come see when I fit in your schedule."

"Rick, I don't like that either. I don't want to fit you in my schedule. I want you on my schedule where something else has to give for you."

Rick sat up a little taller in his seat. She could tell he was trying not to get overly excited. She had made him happy without meaning too. Her selfish need to see him pleased the author. Maybe she wasn't as neglectful of him as she had thought.

"Okay, but then we have something else to negotiate. Really, what?"

"Finish eating first. This is a little more physical than we should try with Chinese food."

Kate raised her eyebrows at him.

"Not that kind of physical, you will see."

After dinner, he walked her to his office. "Two questions, do you prefer couch or chair?"

"What?"

"Couch or chair?"

"Chair, I think…I don't know. What" She was abruptly cut off as he sat in his office chair and puller her across his lap with her legs dangling off one of the arms of the chair.

He rotated his chair closer to his laptop.

"The cold wind of a January morning chilled Nikki Heat as she stepped out of her squad car…"

Kate relaxed into Rick as he began to read his opener to her.

"This isn't what I thought you meant."

"Disappointed?"

"No, I mean. Yes. "

He looked at her questioningly.  
>"No, I love that you want to share what you are writing with me. But, when you said physical, this isn't what I expected."<p>

"That isn't off the menu…how about we consider that a reward for good writing?"

"Castle, I was talking about another kiss!"

"So, was I? I just meant a really intense one." She gave him a peck on the cheek, expecting him to go back to reading. Instead, he turned her face toward his and began placing tiny kisses down her nose until he reached the tip. He used his finger tips to lift her chin and move to her lips. The kiss was long and slow…it heated both of them. A lack of oxygen broke them apart.

"Is that intense enough, or will I have to do better?"

"Why don't you listen first and then decide?"


	9. Chapter 9

Note to my lovely readers: The grading continues, but they have learned that I can smell other people's work and as a result I am getting less plagiarism, no less crap but at least the theft is less. I have appreciated the reviews. Some day when I have more time I hope to start individually replying again.

BTW: I don't own Castle. Blah, blah, blah…AM is that genius, not me.

"Is that intense enough, or will I have to do better?" (Beckett)

"Why don't you listen first and then decide?" (Castle)

He Said Start at the Beginning Chapter 9

_Beckett's Apartment Early A.M. Thursday_

Kate still hasn't slept yet. Her mind is grinding on thoughts of her and Castle. Every question she has presented him with, he gets her to decide. Things can't continue this way. She wants an honest and fair relationship. She knows she has bulldozed over him for years as a partner, but outside of work she needs something even keeled. How can she make him see that she is ready for him to decide something…anything?

Her phone rings. She answers, knowing another body must have dropped.

"Beckett. You might want to bring spare clothes just in case." Esposito says.

"It looks that possible?"

"If our vic wasn't a guy, I would think it was pregnant."

She wrote down the address and prepared to leave. She called Castle in hopes he would answer.

"Hey. You need me to read you to sleep or did a body drop?"

"I should have called you for that, but instead we have a body. Do you want to come to this one or sit it out?"

"Which would you prefer?" Rick waited for her answer.

"What I want shouldn't be in your decision here Rick. Do you want to be involved in this crime scene, yes or no?" She realized she was overly harsh but couldn't think of a way to diffuse her irritation with the situation.

Rick didn't say anything. "Look, I am sorry I snapped at you, but Rick…I need you to know what you want to do. I can't tell you when you need to see me or need to write. All I know is when I want to see you, but you get to have a say in this. I tell you what I am going to do, I will text you the address, suit yourself." She hung up without waiting for his reply. She hoped he understood that she wasn't angry with him, yet she found that actually anger wasn't far off.

She sent him a text of the address and headed for the shower.

He complained when she didn't let him drive, go first, or do countless other things. Now when she needed him to care, he wanted her to choose everything. Why? She kept thinking this through as she prepared herself for the crime scene.

By the time she parked her squad car, dawn was breaking over the horizon and she still hadn't slept yet.

She spotted Lanie and the boys going into a warehouse. Beckett stood by her car waiting a few minutes, hoping Castle would appear. She looked at her watch. It was 30 minutes since she had called him. Without another thought, she switched into detective mode leaving thoughts of him behind.

_12__th__Precinct Noon Thursday_

Kate sat at her desk nursing her cold cup of coffee. The latest vic had not been officially stated as being part of the same case, but this time Lanie's autopsy would at least be performed on the victim while they were still intact. When this happened, Kate was certain it would be the same killer. The only problem they had was that neither victim seemed to have anything in common other than being male and theoretically force fed rice. The second victim, they were still guessing, but she was sure that is what they would find. She stood up to clear her overly tired mind, walked to the break room and began to make another cup of coffee. Maybe it would clear the cotton candy out of her head. She just couldn't get a clear thought today. Then, she went back to sit on top of her desk and stare at the murder board. Something had to link these victims, but what?

She had no idea how long she had been chewing on her lip and staring at what little evidence was gathered when Rick bumped hips with her as he sat down.

"Anything interesting?" Rick asked

"Depends on how you define interesting. I am waiting on Lanie's latest autopsy. Theoretically I should go watch her perform it in another hour, but I really have aversion to showering gastric juices from myself again. So far we have two dead fairly tall middle aged white men from 2 different boroughs." She looked over at him, trying to read what he was thinking.

"Anything interesting going on with you today?" she asked hoping for some clarification on what he was there for. Was it the case or was he here for her?

"I dropped in because I just emailed Gina a record 5 chapters in 2 days. I want to celebrate, but whatever we eat shouldn't contain rice. "She smiled.

"You won't decide what you want, but rice isn't on the menu. That leaves lots of possibilities. Do you want steak, pizza, pasta; okay anything Italian, hamburgers, hot dogs, corn dogs, Mexican food, or seafood?" She asked.

"You pick."

"No Rick. Your celebration, you pick the restaurant." She is beginning to sound annoyed again. Her voice rose a little with her words.

"Why don't you pick Kate? Seriously, why do I need to do it?" Rick said. He was watching her intently trying to puzzle out the problem.

"Because Rick since we have started trying to get on the same page, you haven't made any decisions about anything. You keep leaving everything up to me. I want to know what Rick wants. If I didn't want to know I wouldn't ask." She has raised her voice to where she is speaking loud enough the whole bullpen is listening whether they want to or not.

"Kate, I just wanted you to be happy. When I do things that make you happy it makes me happy."

"But, why can't I make you happy too. Why does it always have to be you making me happy?"

He looked at her flabbergasted. Without another word, he grabbed his jacket and left.

She sat back down at her desk. Now what should I do? Apologize? Wait? Chase after him? She couldn't make up her mind what she should do, so she did nothing. She positioned herself back on the edge of her desk and stared at the murder board pretending it might be speaking to her. Deep in her mind she was replaying their conversation and she thought somewhere inside it she might find the key to why he left rather than making a decision. At dinner time she was no closer to an answer than the moment he had left.

She looked at her watch and realized she had been awake for more than 36 hours; and she decided it was time to go home and sleep. She shut down her computer, grabbed her coat and left.

She stopped by the comfort food truck on the way home to grab some mac-n-cheese. She really wasn't in the mood for a real meal, but she had survived on coffee all day. The calories were necessary.

Kate went in to her apartment, tossed her keys, badge, gun and phone on the counter. After eating quickly she showered and went to bed. Tomorrow has to be a better day.

For once her mind didn't dwell on anything; she was asleep in seconds.


	10. Chapter 10

Note to my lovely readers: This is actually supposed to be part of Chapter 9 but then my computer went hinky. It didn't an automatic shutdown followed by a checkdsk….and I thought I was about to have one seriously dead laptop. I posted what I had saved to keep from losing everything. When it came back up, I resumed writing…so here is the rest…

BTW: I don't own Castle. Blah, blah, blah…AM is that genius, not me.

He Said Start at the Beginning Chapter 10

_Beckett's Apartment Almost Midnight_

Kate is jolted awake by her phone ringing incessantly next to her head. She didn't remember putting it that close, but maybe she did.

"Beckett."

"You didn't call." Rick's irritated voice came through the line.

"Was I supposed to?" When was I supposed to call you?" She sits up groggily yawning.

"Kate, did I wake you up?"

"Yes, but I am still trying to figure out about the phone call. What did I forget Castle?" She is rubbing the bridge of her nose trying to wake up and focus.

"We didn't really spend much time together today, I thought after I left that maybe you would call and we could spend the evening together. I thought maybe Lanie had the results from the autopsy for you and that was why you hadn't called yet. I went to the precinct and the night shift had said you left before they came in so I had hoped…maybe" Rick sighed, "God, Kate what happened?" Rick's voice was small and sad like he thought he had broken their relationship already.

"Rick, nothing happened. I couldn't sleep last night because I kept trying to figure out why you are placating me. Everything has to be catered to me and it worries me. Then the body dropped, later you came to the station and every time I wanted to try to get you to say what you needed or wanted, you wouldn't. I didn't know what to do with that so I decided to wait it out. It has worked for finding most of my answers lately and it prevents me from making things worse usually. I wore myself out trying not to think about it, left the station, visited the comfort food truck and came home to bed." She lay back down in the darkness talking to him on the phone. She hoped he understood she wasn't playing mind games. She just wanted him to be in as far as she was with whatever this was that they were doing.

"Kate, I thought we agreed to always make sure no one was upset?"

"Rick, I didn't really think you were. I thought you wanted time to think; I can't complain about anyone asking for time to think I have had to do too much of it myself. For the record, I am sorry. You are right. I should have called an asked." She looked at the clock. It was almost 1 am. They sat there in mutual silence for a moment.

"Rick, what are you thinking?"

"I am thinking I shouldn't have worried so much. You are right. I wasn't mad. I want to do this. Us. But, I want to not ruin it by starting off drowning each other in our presence. I don't want you to feel lost in me. If I am around you all day at work, are you going to want to spend the evening with me too?" He let out a deep breath.

Kate can hear the tension leaving his voice and is pleased it wasn't as serious as she had been afraid of, he was just being thoughtful.

"Rick, this second, what do you want? I want a hug hello, a goodnight kiss, and some real sleep since I finally purged that demon that is my inspiration."

"Was that so hard? I just wanted you to name a type food or name something we could do that you wanted. Next time, could you just say, Kate I want and then name something just like you did then. We can negotiate, but you have made me feel a little alone here Rick. I need more than this."

"Are you sure? "

"Seriously, yes. I am sure." Kate sighed getting frustrated at this line of questioning.

"Then open your front door."

She crawled out of bed and wandered toward the front door, flipping the kitchen light to illuminate the apartment enough to walk through. She opened the door.

Castle was standing there clutching a dozen roses. She took the roses and took a good look at him. He was standing there wearing flannel pajama pants, a t-shirt and a robe. Kate couldn't help but smile.

"Hello." She grabbed his hand dragging him into the apartment. Placing the roses next to her keys and wallet on the counter, then Kate wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned in for a long, slow kiss.

"Is that better Mr. Castle?"

"Much. Oh, and baby. I like to sleep on the left."

"Baby is it? Okay kitten, you may have the left, but warning I tend to sleep in the middle. Come on, I am still exhausted. Snore now. Talk tomorrow."

She led him off to bed. She liked this version of celebrating better. She was too tired for anything else.

_Beckett's Apartment 7am Friday_

Kate had finished her shower. Stepping out of the bedroom dressed for work.

"Morning, Kitten. What's for breakfast?" She said slapping his butt as she walked by to get a cup of coffee.

"Baby, we are having omelets. I was startled, amazed and impressed to find that you actually know where the grocery store is. Where is has the Styrofoam temple gone?"

She was enjoying the domesticity of the moment.

"Are you coming to work with me or are you going home to work?" She asked wrapping her arms around him from behind as he was cooking.

"I need to shower and change first." She hadn't noticed the bag he had sat next to the front door last night. "Do you want to wait or do you want me to bring you your keys at work."

"I think I will wait on you. Are you staying today or are you disappearing again?'

"Kate, I told you I got inspired. The rice explosion was too good to not start the creative juices flowing." She smirked at him.

"Maybe it was just because of that little bit you swallowed." He rolled his eyes at her and went after his bag.

_Beckett's Desk Midafternoon_

"Castle where is Beckett?" Ryan asked. Castle was sitting in his chair fidgeting with his new tablet.  
>"Lanie called. I was not invited. I suspect this is more about me than the murder."<br>Esposito walked out of the break room with his coffee. "Yeah, Castle, but wouldn't you rather they were talking about you rather than plotting against you."

"Who plots against whom?" Beckett said as she walked in smiling.

She leaned over Castle's shoulder, "No plotting. Not today. How's the new toy?"

Before he could answer, her phone rang.

"Beckett. Okay. What's the address?"

"We have another body. Let's go. "She grabbed her gun, purse and Castle's hand on the way to the elevator. He gave her hand a squeeze as they stepped on the elevator.

"Do you think it's another rice piñata?" Kate rolled her eyes at him. But, the thought had already occurred to her. She hoped so. The last vic had eliminated all their suspects rather than creating any new ones.


	11. Chapter 11

Note to my lovely readers: I didn't realize that final exams for students meant free writing time for me. Sometimes I am an idiot. I can't grade papers when they are taking an exam because they could too distracted by what I am doing. Apparently typing does not cause distraction. Who knew? They are 8th graders, most things distract them, but I guess because they are texting freaks they don't mind the mild clicking noises.

BTW: I don't own Castle. Blah, blah, blah…AM is that genius, not me.

He Said Start at the Beginning Chapter 11

_3__rd__ Crime Scene 3pm_

The team was disappointed to a large extent by their latest find. The body had already ruptured, releasing long grain rice throughout the scene. Lanie had removed her heels and was making her way around the crime scene wearing rain boots with booties over them to prevent further crime scene contamination.

"I don't know what I did to piss God off this week, but this is getting old." Lanie stated looking over at Beckett who was safely out of the semi-digested rice remains. "I have ruined more than $400 worth of footwear and my dry cleaning bill is not going to be funny."

"Is it safe to say that we have the same COD?" Beckett asked trying not to enjoy her friend's misfortune.

"I think it is probably a very safe guess, but I won't say it officially until the autopsy. Maybe we will get lucky this time and find something of use." Lanie sounded doubtful, but was trying to give the team something to look forward to.

"You gotta be kidding me. A serial killer who makes such a mess that we can't get decent evidence." Esposito kicked a box in frustration as he walked out of the warehouse.

"I don't know what he's complaining about. At least he doesn't have to sieve all these stomach contents for the next several days. The lab techs still haven't even finished with the second one yet." Lanie said pointedly.

"Maybe we are looking at this all wrong. We have been sifting for evidence, but maybe what we need to think about is why these men. Let's go back to what we know about each of them and see if we can connect them at all." Rick offered.

"Castle, we have tried connecting the first two. So far, the only things they have in common are that they own small businesses that import from overseas and that they had rather nasty divorces where the wives took almost everything of value." Ryan stated.

"We can look at it again once we identified the third vic. What do you say Castle, we pick up pizzas for everyone and go stare at a murder board?" Kate offered. "Ryan, you and Espo see if you can get an I.D. while we are out and then we will sit and eat." With that, she led Castle out of the warehouse and back to the squad car leaving an amused Lanie behind.

"Do you think she means to be this obvious or is she just avoiding talking about it by not hiding it?" Ryan asked Lanie.

"With that girl, who knows, but I am going to find out. Save me a few slices, I will be there as soon as I possibly can to get to the bottom of this. And, I don't mean the case." She winked at Ryan. "Who knows, maybe our girl finally wised up."

"Maybe. See you later Lanie."

"Don't tell Javi I am coming, he needs the surprise." With that Ryan left.

Lanie continued giving directions to her staff so that she could have a thorough examination of yet another devastated corpse. "I think I am going to start wearing rain boots to work until they catch this guy." Lanie said to no one in particular. "I am not wasting any more of my nice clothes on examining up this guy's hobbies."

_12 Precinct Conference Room Early Evening_

The pizza boxes are nearing empty and the coke bottles are nearing empty. Castle has stepped out of the room talking animatedly with Alexis over the phone.

Kate is watching him through the window.

"How long have you been hiding this girlfriend?" Lanie puts the question out there while Esposito and Ryan just turn pointedly to look at her. Kate is aware no one will flinch in this game of chicken so she sighs and wills herself to give a response.

"It depends on who you ask and what you specifically mean. If you mean how long have I wanted to have him in my presence as much as possible the answer should be somewhere around 3 and half to four years. If you are asking how long I have been willing or able to tell him that, we would be closer to the neighborhood of a week." She stops for a second to watch Castle making emphatic hand gestures which Kate suspects is a retelling of what the exploding corpse would have looked like if anyone had been there to witness it. "Thanks guys for not pushing. I am trying to do this and be fair to him. He deserves much better than…well, you know. Better."

Esposito pats on the shoulder as he grabs the last piece with his other hand. "Hija, things aren't always as simple as we wish. Take your time. Learn to bend."

"Javi, don't give advice you can't replicate." Lanie shot him an evil glare. "I don't recall you doing a whole lot of bending."

"Chica, you know I bend. Give me a little longer at work, and we can go home and I can refresh your memory."

"Javi, that isn't the bending I was referring to, but I am going to hold you to that. In the meantime, I am going to go deal with the preliminary reports from the field." She kissed Esposito and left.

"Any more comments or questions from the peanut gallery before I go back to work?" They couldn't fault her. She was giving them an opportunity when it would not embarrass her to explain. She had a feeling they would rather wait until cajoling her would cause a scene for Gates. She was hoping she was wrong. "Offer going once, twice, and I am out to the murder board. Clean up the mess and see if we have any results from running the prints."

Kate walked out to the murder board to sit next to Castle.

"Could you walk me through it since I haven't been here?" he quietly asked.

"First vic. Jonathan Davis. 45. No priors. Imports specialty teas, coffees and spices for his small eclectic tea shops in the 5 boroughs. Divorced. He and his wife settled out of court. He kept the businesses she got the house and a yearly stipend that would never have been awarded in court. Nothing pops on his or her financials. The ex has a solid alibi.

"Second vic. Fred Catalano. 52. Priors for seeking female companionship from undercover cops. Owns Fantastic Fred's Exotic Antiques with locations in Tribeca and the Village. Divorced twice. Both settled out of court. The first is still a partial owner in the business. The other gets a constant income from the stores and gets to keep their rather small apartment in midtown. Exes have alibis and nothing obvious in the financials."

Kate stared at the boards in contemplation. I would say that the only thing these two have in common is that they are both business owners who import, but that isn't entirely true. A lot of Fantastic Fred's Exotics are not old nor are they from anywhere except  
>China. Davis' imports from China as well, but more of his companies materials come from India, Pakistan and Thailand.<p>

Esposito saunters up to the board with a photo of the latest vic. "Sam West. 43. Juvi Priors. None as an adult. Small business owner. West's Mattress Warehouse. Married. No kids. Small time business that is becoming a big business. You know him. He is the one with the retarded commercials with guy dressed as a mattress doing the dougie."

"I was wondering where I recognized him from. West may be my age but he knows all the dances Alexis knows. I was amazed he could beef it up dressed as a mattress."

Ryan also commented, "He's also a bit of a philanthropist. He provides Christmas toys for all the families living in the St. Luke's Homeless shelter and he provides free mattresses to anyone receiving habitat for humanity housing that is built in the greater NYC area."

"When will we have his financials?" Beckett asked.

"Most likely in the morning." Ryan stated.

Castle stops the conversation and says, "Yes, this is another one of those crazy theories, but what if their commonality is the origin of their imports? West sells cheap mattress which tend to be made in China. Tea comes from China. Fake antiques are from China. And, one of the first torture techniques I read about as a kid was Chinese Rice Torture…where they fed the victim uncooked rice and then force fed them water until their intestine rupture."

Gates had walked up behind them listening to his theory. "As much as I hate to give credence to his ridiculous theory, I want all of you to work toward disproving it in the morning. It seems to be the only link. Maybe if we can unravel this one, we might find the true connection between these men. All of you have been putting in a little more overtime than the forward movement on this case supports. Go home. Sleep. See you in the morning." With that Iron Gates left the bull pen and went into her office where she began to put files in her briefcase. She pointedly stopped to make sure the team began gathering their things to go as well.

"Kitten, are you interested in company this evening or should I plan on a quiet night of reading and soaking in a warm bath?" Kate whispered at Castle as he sat watching her putting her files away.

"If I remember correctly, I have a bag to retrieve from your place…"

"Yes, you do. But, you also have a daughter at yours who needs to see her father."

"Like I was saying, we could go pick up my bag, and pack one for you. And, you can still read and soak in a warm bath at my place. I just can't promise that I won't get tired of reading to you through the door or you could try reading to me while I bathed you. That could work a bit better. We would both be entertained."

Kate blushed a little, trying to convince herself that she didn't have the thought before he did.

"I don't know Castle. I was certain most of the books in your house were scratch and sniff. So, maybe I could scratch and sniff and see where that goes…" He stopped dead in his track about 5 feet from the elevator. He gained his composure while they waited on the elevator. Too many officers were around for him to respond without too many ears.

As the doors to the elevators slid shut, he made a sniffing noise and whispered, "Ah, cherries..."


	12. Chapter 12

Note to my lovely readers: Weekends are blissful. I really should be grading, but I don't want to right now.

BTW: I don't own Castle. Blah, blah, blah…AM is that genius, not me.

He Said Start at the Beginning Chapter 12

_Dr. Burke's Office Friday Afternoon_

"How are things with you this week Detective?"

Kate smiled as she sat down. "I think things are getting better. The case has made just a small amount of progress, but on a personal level I think I have made significant progress."

The doctor crossed his legs and signaled for her to elaborate.

"I left here last week concerned that I had been a terrible friend to Rick. I can list thousands of things I could have done for him, but didn't. I have thought about my relationship with him in that respect for quite some time. I have not given him as much of my personal time in his space as I probably should have, but I have been a much better friend than I originally thought. I have shared things with him about my life that I wouldn't think about telling even Lanie. "

She pauses for few seconds, kicks off her shoes and curls up in her chair. Staring into space she continues listing off the intimacies they have shared.

"We discuss his struggles with fatherhood and even dealing with a mother that does the walk of shame more often than Mick Jagger. She really could give Hugh Hefner a run for his money if she wanted to. She probably considers him too vulgar for parading his liaisons but she is definitely in his league. We comfort each other when we have bad moments. The night he and Gina broke up I talked him into having dinner. On another night I convinced him to see _Forbidden Planet_ at the Angelica. I knew he had seen it and was dying to go, but I played along when he pretended to have never watched it before. I would have said anything to him in that moment to get us into that theater. Josh would have never considered going to see what he would call a nerd movie just for the fun of seeing it on a big screen."

She begins to twist the ends of her hair as she looks over at Dr. Burke, "Thing is with Rick, I don't hide my nerdisms. He knows I had a comic book collection; granted it is now ashes, but I still read them. He knows that I love old Sci Fi movies and have read almost every Philip K. Dick, Neal Stephenson and Kim Stanley Robinson novel there is. He even knows that I dressed up as one of Alex DeLarge's gang from _Clockwork Orange_ for Halloween not too terribly long ago. Rick is the only person who finds this fun and kind of sexy. I don't have to feel ridiculous about what I like. I nearly died of a heart attack when he realized I was a shipper for _Temptation Lane_ and then he let me know that it was endearing. I believe his words were (Pantomiming air quotes with her fingers,) "Kate, my dvr will make yours look like Masterpiece Theater." This not only made me feel better, but it brought us closer. We share goofy secrets our friends don't know. It isn't that the boys would care that I watch soaps, but I like it being something just he and I share. I like being able to drop a hint or reference to something I have read or seen in our conversations that he clues into and the boys think we are only discussing the case. Like today over lunch, I made a statement about how the golden arrow will lead us home, and the boys have no idea I hinted that I stayed home Saturday to watch the _Battlestar Galactica_ marathon on the BBC America, but instead think I was referring to signs the street sweeper left outside the warehouse."

When Kate quit talking, she waited for Burke to respond. When he didn't immediately she shifted her position in her chair and raised an eyebrow at him trying to elicit a response to her revelation.

"Detective. Do you think he is aware that you feel this way about your friendship?"

She pondered what he said for a moment chewing on her thumbnail. "I think he is very aware of how I feel about our friendship. He may understand it far better than I do. For the last 3 years, every time I have had an emotional need he has stepped in whether with a joke, an innuendo, a look, a touch or a meal. He knows our friendship is paramount to most things. He even knows when I feel like I am out of my league. Last year we went undercover together to go clubbing, he even let me drive his midlife crisis/I am still sexy red Ferrari. I knew he wanted me, but Josh had been gone a lot, ignoring me. My romantic relationship had been more about brief encounters in a bed, quick text messages and terse drop offs at the airport. That night he watched every move I made. I felt free to flirt and tease, to make him absolutely speechless with want because he knew I needed to feel wanted. But, he also knew I wouldn't let him cross a line. I think he even knew in LA when our friendship had prepared me to jump over the line. He had retreated before I came up with the nerve. I almost regretted it. Yet, it showed me he could be the strong friend in our relationship that wouldn't let me do something I would regret. Hell, he kept me from killing a man who had killed my partner just by calling my name."

She dropped her head back to rest on the chair. Staring at the ceiling, lost in her memories of California, she said," At some point if only turned into when will I be able to deserve him?"

"So Rick doesn't really want you, he just allows you to feel wanted when you need to?"

Kate looks over at him startled, incredulous. "Oh, I am sure he wants me, but where once it was about a notch in his bedpost—he now wants all of me. I once thought I would become a possession he claimed and tossed aside. Now…now, I know that once we are together we will both be irrevocably changed. I used to fear it would be something akin to Kafka's Metamorphosis, now I feel more like I am going from being a shadow to a real person. All the color in me was or maybe is missing."

Dr. Burke gave her an approving nod. "Have you shared that with him? Your fear of tomorrow is no longer a crippling image, but a goal to be sought after. I believe Kate that you have made some serious progress toward finding out what you want."

Kate rolled her eyes at him. "No, of course, I have not been that honest about it yet. But, I am working on it by showing him that I am after something more and real. We have shared a bed a couple of times, but we avoided sex until this morning." Kate sounded almost apologetic. She sighed. "Don't get me wrong, I am not disappointed and it was the best first time with anyone I have ever had, but…in some ways it was…"

Burke looked concerned. "It was what Kate?"  
>"Anti-climactic. I really thought that once we had sex, the rest would suddenly be sorted out. That wasn't very realistic. Our intimacy level is still increasing. We had this moment a couple of mornings ago where we were just brushing our teeth together, sharing my sink and I didn't want that moment to end. It was perfect. But, I don't know what I expected. I guess I want us to be more defined than we are. How do I achieve that with him without having a press release made?"<p>

Burke laughed. He knew she was exaggerating. She was seeking a rhythm that is gained out of habit, but it requires time to develop. Most adults have that experience in their first real relationship. Maybe, in some ways this is her first real relationship in that respect.

"Tell me, Kate, what kind of definition do you seek?"

"Now that is the question isn't it. I guess I will see you next week." Kate stood and put her coat back on. She was satisfied with the directions he pointed her in, now it is a matter of making it make sense to herself.

As she stepped out of Burke's office, she sent Rick a text. See you at Remy's in 15?


	13. Chapter 13

Note to my lovely readers: Writing is horribly addictive and grading is just…horrible. I have resorted to skimming and tagging a grade. It is probably wrong of me, but the students seem to be as uninterested in reading their own work as I feel. Besides, I have a nice stack of eBooks lined up to read… Which will inspire more writing. I think the holidays will be about celebrating, relaxing and writing. 5 work days to go. For all of you wonderful people who have taken the time to review, thank you very, very much. My job has been miserable for more than a year and other than my family I have been feeling unappreciated and despondent. Your reviews have made this holiday season much, much brighter.

BTW: I don't own Castle. Blah, blah, blah…AM is that genius, not me.

He Said Start at the Beginning Chapter 13

_Rick's Bed Saturday 8am _

They were still a lacy tangle of limbs, contentedly breathing in each other's scent. Kate has her head propped on his shoulder and is almost face down, halfway on top of him with her arm thrown over his body.

"What time do you want to go to work?" He asked gently kissing her shoulder.

"Hmm. I am not rushing in today. Unless another body drops or lab results arrive. As much as I have made it a habit of sitting at my desk staring at a board devoid of information it will not further this case much." She looked into his blue eyes for a second and leaned in for a brief kiss. "Besides, I have this man that keeps telling me that he has other plans for our time than work. Do you know where I could find him? I think we may have more play time before work."

Rick stared at her in awe for a moment. Deciding there was no time like the present his hands snaked around her waist lifting her back on top of him. She squealed as his touch tickled as much as it thrilled her.

She sat up, straddling him. "Rick, I know this is hardly the time, but I need to talk about this." She leaned forward and grabbed both his hands and held them pinned above his head. He looked somewhere between worried and amused.

"Rick, I love you. I love you more today than I did yesterday and the day before that and so on. That won't be coming to an end any time soon. And, I know how hard you are trying not to crowd me, to give me space. But, I might want to be crowded a little bit." He grinned at her.

She kissed him lightly on the lips. "After dinner last night, I could tell you wanted to be with me, but you also wanted to be home. I came here to be with you, not because you expected me to, but because I want to be here with you."

Rick opened his mouth to speak, but she quickly pulled one of her hands away from his and put a finger across his lips.

"I am not finished. I want you to be able to write or work with me here as much as you do the same for me when I work. It's important to me that we figure out how we can balance both our jobs and time together. I need to know that both of us are getting what we need for work…" She paused and leaned forward to kiss him a little more passionately this time. "And for pleasure." She shifted her hips causing both of them to moan. Without saying anything Castle rolled them over so that he was on top.

"Okay. But, I have much better things I want your lips to be doing right now. Talking is at the very bottom of that list." He leaned in and kissed her again…

_Kate's Desk Saturday Afternoon_

The bullpen is at quarter staff since it is Saturday and many teams do not have an active case. Her team is absent including her writer. She left him to work at home.

Kate is sitting on the edge of her desk staring at the murder board and holding a clipboard of faxes. A few new details have come in. Not only do all 3 men import from China, but the same company packs and ships their containers from China to the US. Confirmation has been received from the port that it is not unusual for the owners themselves to come inspect the crates. And, on at least one occasion in the last 2 months each man has lodged a complaint about the condition of their containers once they arrived.

Kate was inspecting the hand written reports that had been faxed to her. Trying to read a faxed copy of a handwritten note was much like to trying to read meaning into a partially erased grocery list that has been washed or painted over graffiti. It is an exercise in frustration, but slowly her mind is making sense of the words on the page.

"Detective Beckett, I am surprised to see you here and solo. However, I would prefer if you had remained in more professional attire. Mr. Castle's dress shirt seems more like a dress or comfort wear for home, not in the bullpen."

"Yes, sir. I had not intended on staying until I noticed these faxes. I thought deciphering them in peace and quiet might be easier than with a full pen Monday." Gates nodded and then shocked Beckett by sitting down next to her on the desk.

"I appreciate that you and Mr. Castle are working things out amongst yourselves. And, I am glad that the two of you have been good enough to not hide it which draws more attention to it; and not flaunting it either has been helpful. But, I want to make myself clear relationship issues need to be resolved off the clock and off premises. Esposito and the M.E. still haven't gotten that part down yet."

Kate looked over at Gates who was trying to fight the smile that was gracing the corners of her lips.

"I will keep that in mind, Sir."

"You do that. But, remember we all need someone in our corner, especially when our work becomes consuming and overwhelming." Gates stood up and walked off leaving Beckett wondering where the body snatchers had left the real Captain Gates.

When she stood up she dropped the clipboard and the faxes went flying. Grumbling, she began scooping them up one at a time. She laid them out on her desk so that she could try to reorder the pages, but stopped when she noticed a detail. All 3 complaints had the same dock worker signing off on the placement and care of the crate. All 3 complaints were registered to the same manager as well. Monday the team would have 2 new people to talk to.

Kate scooped up her things and headed out the door. She had an important errand she wanted to run. Castle was expecting her for dinner with his family by 7 and she wanted to also have time to go home and pack a bag of a few essentials so that if she felt like staying with him for several nights in a row, she wouldn't have to run home. She texted Lanie.

_Do you have an hour to spend with me at home where we can talk without the whole world butting in? I'm leaving the precinct now and don't have to be anywhere until 7._

_If you are the one doing the talking, spilling actual beans, I am there. Be at your place before you. You owe me BIG for not bugging you._

_Kate's Apartment Late Afternoon Saturday _

True to her word, Lanie was leaning against the wall outside Kate's door when she walked up.

"Would you rather an apology or the whole truth? You deserve both but I only have time for one or the other." Kate said as she unlocked the door.

"Girl, the truth better be interesting. The apology is accepted if the details are juicy." Lanie said following her in.

Kate dropped her purse and took off her jacket, kicked off her shoes.

"Do you want anything to drink while I work?"

"Work, what do you mean work?"

"Cool it Lanie. I am going to be packing a bag. Wine, water, Coke, OJ? Are you thirsty or what?"

Lanie stood blinking at Kate, absorbing the words she was not sure she heard.

"I tell you what; I will open a bottle of wine since I want a glass. Suit yourself." Kate said it teasingly as she grabbed two glasses and began filling.

Lanie still watched her friend in awe. Should she interrupt this strange creature or let it do whatever it has planned. Lanie slowly began to smile as she realized she had witnessed a similar version of her friend more than 5 years ago. This one seemed happier than the one she remembered, but it was definitely a Katherine Beckett she hadn't seen in years.

"If I had known it was going to be this good Kate, I would have brought a camera to record the moment." She laughed and picked up her glass heading over toward Kate's bedroom. Kate followed. She hopped up on to Kate's bed. "Do you want help packing or are you going to captivate me with an amazing love story?" Lanie said taking a sip of wine and unceremoniously kicking her shoes off over the side of Kate's bed, propping herself up on pillows and preparing to listen. Helping was not on part of her plan at all. She was there to observe.

Kate laughed. She knew exactly what her friend was up to. She went to her hall closet and pulled out a small suitcase. She unzipped it and flipped it open on the bed.

"Do you want me to start by telling you about the successes of my therapy sessions or do you just want the low down on me and Rick?"

Lanie laughed at her in response.

"Ok. I will skip the therapy. By the way, Dr. Burke understands me very well. He makes me get my head out of my ass. I guess it started with me being absolutely honest with Castle about how much I love him."

Unfortunately for Lanie, she had chosen that moment to take sip. Her white t-shirt will never be white again. The pair started laughing at her coughing fit that Kate's revelation had caused.

"Kate, you are still holding out. I said details."

"Alright, Castle and I have been together in some way or another since the first body dropped. I can even date a lot of my progress back to the impromptu dinner party that I unwittingly threw. Thanks buy the way. Jenny helped me see something I had missed and it was important. I went to see Burke the next morning. Shortly after lunch the next day, I made my first real step in having a real relationship with Castle." She continued buzzing around her room pulling out clothes she might need: t-shirts, jeans, slacks, undergarments, several pairs of boots, a couple of jackets. Lanie's eyes nearly fell out of her head when she saw that Kate was packing lingerie and it wasn't just panties and bras. "He and I wound up talking and watching TV until late that night. We fell asleep on the couch. That's where we had been when we were called to the first crime scene."

"Seriously Kate, you spent the night next to the man without jumping him even after all the crap you have put him through." Lanie was glaring at Kate. Kate laughed at her friend who still hadn't noticed she was wearing Castle's shirt. Kate stopped her packing for a minute. Unbuttoned her shirt which Kate could tell became apparent to her friend that it wasn't a woman's shirt. Kate tossed it into the dirty clothes hamper and pulled a different tighter fitting shirt out of the closet. When she had turned to grab it from the closet, Lanie noticed a series of love bites down Kate's spine. When Kate whipped the shirt over her head and began buttoning, she kept waiting for Lanie to finish ranting at her about sex, but she had stopped cold. She guessed the evidence had made her decide it wasn't necessary.

"Lanie, I guess the most important thing is, we are together now. And, I am not afraid anymore."

Lanie squealed and gave her friend a hug. "This was worth it, Katie. Just remember, I told you he would be great from the beginning."

"Yes, you did."

"Now, I want a play by play on how you received those little bite marks."


	14. Chapter 14

Note to my lovely readers: Ok. This is my 4th or 5th chapter since Friday. I don't know if this is good or bad. I am spending more quality time writing rather than doing anything else. I wonder if my children consider this to be a problem. My husband is giving me a knowing smirk which I suspect means that he is happy to see me happy.

BTW: I don't own Castle. Blah, blah, blah…AM is that genius, not me.

He Said Start at the Beginning Chapter 14

_Castle's Loft 7pm Saturday_

Kate gets off the elevator and approaches the front door. She had not talked to Rick about bringing extra clothing or toiletries. She hopes she is not overstepping. Did she assume too much? Would this make him happy or uncomfortable? Her second guessing came to an end as Martha opened the door for her.

"Kate, darling, you are such a lovely girl, but you know you don't have to knock anymore? You belong here. "Martha grabbed her by the arm and brought her inside.

Martha continued rattling on about how much Kate was not a guest, she didn't even mention Kate's small suitcase she was rolling behind her.

"Rick spending time with Nikki Heat so you might want to make yourself at home until he is ready to exit his cave. Or, you could probably go in there with him. He wouldn't mind. When he is spending time with your alter ego, if the writing is going well, World War III could begin and he wouldn't even notice. "Martha looked at the clock, suddenly startled.

"Well kiddo, I am about to take fashionably late to irritatingly late. I better be off or my date won't be as delightful as I would hope."

"But, Martha, I thought we were having a family dinner tonight."

"We were but then Paige called and then I got an offer I couldn't refuse. You know how it is." Martha gave Kate a motherly kiss on the cheek and disappeared through the front door.

Kate could hear the constant clicking of his keys. Without disturbing his concentration, she dropped her belongings in the master bedroom, made herself more comfortable, tiptoed into his office to watch him work from the couch. As she was watching him, her mind wandered to last night when he came to visit her while soaking in a warm bubble bath. He had not been invited, but she didn't really have any complaints about it either. His rather constant attentions had prevented her from getting much sleep; before she knew it, she was snoring softly.

She awoke two hours later and Rick was still feverishly typing out Nikki's exploits. He was so absorbed she was certain she could strip naked on the couch and he wouldn't have noticed. Her alter ego really did have a strangle hold on his attention. Stretching Kate realized how late it was and how hungry she had become. Rick would not be in much better condition than she was.

She went into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator to see what ingredients she had to work with. After a little snooping around, she decided on a quick pan sauté' with sausage, potatoes, onions, garlic, and hot peppers. She liked creating meals that were fast, tasty and could be cleaned with very little effort.

Apparently her culinary endeavor did not go unnoticed. Just as the pan's contents had achieved the perfect golden brown, Rick appeared in front of her.

"I didn't know I was starving until my nose told me there was food cooking."

"Why don't you fix the drinks, and I will get this on the table." Kate said.

He poured them each a glass of wine. She sat brought the plates to the table and they sat to enjoy a quiet meal together away from the world.

"Baby, how was your day without me?" Rick asked. His nervous belied that he still wasn't 100% sure that she had accept his pet name for her. Truly, if any other man on earth had attempted to call her baby, she would have made him wear a diaper for the rest of his life. But, somehow Rick calling her baby just made her feel loved. Calling her baby was as silly as calling him kitten. The obvious paradox in the name is what made it endearing.

She took another bite of her food and began to tell him about her encounter with Gates and then Lanie. Rick almost choked on his food when she told him how supportive of their relationship Gates appeared to be. She let him know that Lanie was aware of their closeness. She didn't want him to think she was hiding, because she wasn't. This wasn't about keeping her life private. She wanted to make sure those that she loved knew they were loved which meant she had to include them in her private choices too.

"Did I just hear Kate Beckett say her private life needed to be shared with her loved ones? Or have I been knocked on the head and aliens have kidnapped me?" She could tell from the way Rick looked at her that her revelation to Lanie was unexpected but Rick had desired for her to do just that.

"Hold on for a second Kate." Rick stood up and sprinted to his office and quickly came back. "While you were out today I picked out a small present for you, I hope you like it." He sat a small box with a red bow on top in front of her.

She untied the bow, and opened the box. She pulled out a silver key chain with a kitten pendant on it. "It's your own key to the loft so that you can come and go whenever you wish. In order for you to feel like I want you here, I need you to be able to choose when to be here and not be here. Phone calls are no longer necessary. You can come and go as you like." Kate sat speechless for a second. She stood up, placed a quick kiss on his head.

"My turn. I will be right back." She went to where she had stashed her things in his bedroom and came back with a similar box. She sat it in front of him. He opened the box. It held a silver keychain with baby spelled out in a traditional wood block design. "I guess great minds think alike. This is a key to my apartment for the same reason. For those nights when I stay too late, and can't justify coming to see you out of stupidity, stubbornness or possibly I just went home, now you can come see me without a call either. I want you to know I want you with me too."

Rick grinned at her. "It is amazing how far we have come.

They continued their evening together enjoying the newness of them, knowing the trust they had was building. Kate couldn't recall being happier.

After dinner was cleaned up they curled up together on the couch to watch television.

"What time are you going in to work tomorrow?"

"I'm not. None of the lab results I need will be ready before Monday. I have two new people to interview but they won't be around until Monday, so I think I am going to spend the day in the arms of my lover doing whatever he wants within reason of course. I suspect his teenage daughter would appreciate it if we kept it to a PG rating during the day at least."

"That is probably true. We will have to learn what we want us to be at home. Alexis won't be home much tomorrow, but it will give us a chance to start adjusting to the idea that we have a teenager running in and out from around us when we are here." Kate enjoyed the fact that Rick wanted to talk about how things would be between them. He spoke of adjustments and learning; the things you do if you plan on there being thousands of tomorrows. You don't learn or compromise in any way for something that doesn't matter to you. He didn't try to make her feel small, but instead sought to make her feel as an integral part of his home. She wasn't adjusting to them; they were all changing for each other.

As they watched only movies together on TMC, she found Rick loved Ingrid Bergman movies as much as she did, she wondered why this had been so scary for so long. This was easy. The warmth of Rick's body and his steady breathing made Kate lose herself in the moment. She drifted off before Cary Grant could save Ingrid the spy from the Nazis.

Rick extricated himself from her embrace. He walked into the bedroom and noticed her suitcase. With a smile he opened it, he had no idea that she came prepared and was even more elated that it was several days' worth of clothing. He opened the drawers that he had kept empty in hope that someday she would need a space in this room. He hung the jackets and blouses that she would need for work. As he put all of her things away, he realized the fear that she would run was no longer necessary. Kate wasn't running anymore.


	15. Chapter 15

Note to my lovely readers: I wasn't really satisfied with Chapter 14, but then again it was just a connector. It wasn't meant to have much to it…it just had to get done. I hope this one is better…I can't decide whether this is better or not, but one of my 5 year old twins just regurgitated dinner. I won't be teaching tomorrow; I will be taking her to the doctor which means I will have plenty of time to write tomorrow while trying to not listen to the Care Bears, My Little Pony and Strawberry Shortcake. If I am lucky I won't have to sit through every Disney Princess film made.

BTW: I don't own Castle. Blah, blah, blah…AM is that genius, not me.

He Said Start at the Beginning Chapter 15

_Crime Scene 8pm Sunday_

They parked the squad car at the end of the row of shipping containers. And walked toward the cordoned off area.

"All I am saying Kate is that death could try to consider our personal time. Couldn't they schedule to die when we don't have the loft to ourselves?" Rick was whining as they walked to the crime scene, Lanie was peering down at a body.

"Castle, the only reason our team was called in is that the container this victim was killed in front of can be directly linked to our 3rd vic, Sam West. The new victim was face down in a pool of blood with his legs propping the door to the container open. Esposito greeted them when they walked up.

"The body was spotted by port security while on its rounds. They called it in after thoroughly investigating and looking for an assailant. Don't expect to be able to use shoe prints or fingerprints to help us at all. Security successfully touched everything. Physical evidence outside the container is totally compromised. It seems our vic was coming out of the now empty container and was attacked from behind. I can tell you more when Lanie's through. Ryan is on his way. He was held up in traffic." Esposito sighed and continued, "Sorry, bro. Not the way we intended to spend Sunday afternoon either." Both Lanie and Esposito gave Rick an understanding but annoyed look that conveyed that they weren't complaining and weren't interested in listening to his either.

"Don't worry Espo. You aren't the only one feeling that way." Beckett said flatly. "Rick, we have had the loft to ourselves for the better part of the last 24 hours. Duty calls; we can have time for us later." She was thankful he couldn't tell that she had not wanted to leave the bed either. In fact, she was sore in all the right places, and was hoping to get back home before the sun came up. Sleep was optional.

Lanie looked up at the team from where she was squatting over the body. She had the vic's wallet in her hand.

"This might be helpful," she said tossing the wallet to Esposito and continued examining the victim's body.

"His name is Sal Domingo. 40. He is a card carrying union member. According to his id badge, he has worked here for 6 years. To know more, I will have to ask around and make some phone calls." Esposito headed off toward the port office to begin with his questions.

"That's one less lead we had. He was the dock worker we had scheduled to interview tomorrow at 9am." Beckett attempted to not sound disappointed.

Lanie called the team over as Ryan walked up. "It seems Mr. Domingo's throat was cut right to left in one single quick cut that severed his carotid artery and deep enough to completely cut through the esophagus. He must have bled out quickly. Rigor is just beginning to present so he was killed maybe 2 hours ago give or take. I will be able to give a more accurate TOD when I get him back to the lab."

Beckett, Castle and Ryan backed out of the way so that CSU could come in after them.

"Ryan, could you begin interviewing those that worked closely with the vic and could you look into who else was on shift with him today, and the days of the complaints from the other victims. Maybe we will get lucky and something will pop. Find out what information Espo was able to find out on what was going on here on a Sunday. I don't see many containers being moved, opened, or inspected. What were they doing down here today?"

"Rick and I will head back to the station and check his financials and start looking into the supervisors for the crew and the inspection managers."

Beckett and Castle threaded through the growing number of CSU techs, dock workers, and onlookers. Castle casually entwined his fingers with Beckett's as they made their way through. He enjoyed the feeling all the way to the car.

_The 12__th__ Precinct 1am Monday_

Beckett looks up from the files where she has been comparing crew rosters for dates and container numbers. She found Castle sound asleep across the conference table. She watches him sleeping for a moment and realizes she doesn't have to watch him sleep here. Unlike all the other times when he passed out at the station, now she was welcome to lie next to him anytime that she wanted.

"Hey, Sleeping Beauty do you want me to take you home and tuck you in?"

"What? What time is it?" Rick said startling and sitting up.

"It's time to go home. We can go get some sleep and show back up around 9 since our earliest interview is on a slab in the morgue." Kate stood up and stacked their files, carried them to her desk and locked the drawer.

"Did Espo ever find out what had been in those containers?"

"No, but CSU found at least 25 different DNA samples from hair and skin particles. Even though the shipping container's paperwork lists, bed rails, mattresses and an assortment of bedroom furniture. There is no reasonable explanation for why there would so many samples from one container." Kate turned to Rick and leaned into him, bumping their foreheads together "I know this is intriguing and that several ideas immediately jump out at you, but before we go chasing down aliens, the CIA or the Yakuza, we need to get some rest in a bed."

"Ok baby, but the Yakuza are Japanese. This would have to be Triad."

"Thanks, Kitten. My mistake." She smiled, grabbed his hand and led them toward the elevator.

"I am going to assume that when you said you were tucking me in bed at home that meant you were joining me."

"Yes, I am coming home too. For some reason, I haven't had much sleep lately." She leaned on the back wall of the elevator, dropping her head back. "What about you?"

"No, it's the damned thing. I go to bed and I am not upset or angry or anything, but somehow sleep just hasn't been there. I get little sporadic catnaps. Odd really, if you think about it."

Rick gave her a sideways glance before leaning back. She opened her eyes and looked at him.  
>"Maybe the sandman will play fair tonight. Maybe we can get more than 2 hours of consecutive sleep. It's bound to happen sooner or later." She said.<p>

"Kate, I vote for later."

She thought, me too Rick, me too.


	16. Chapter 16

Note to my lovely readers: The twins are still sick so I have at least one more day at home. My boss is not too pleased, but I am. I would really appreciate some feed back on where this is going…lately I have had very few reviews and the ones I have had said things like "it was good." What about it was good? What didn't work? Is there somebody that I have acting out of character? Is something unclear? Talk to me people! Please?

BTW: I don't own Castle. Blah, blah, blah…AM is that genius, not me.

He Said Start at the Beginning Chapter 16

_The 12__th__ Precinct Monday Morning_

Captain Gates walks into the bull pen where the gang gathered around the murder board.

"What have we found out and was last night's victim part of the same murder or are they two separate cases?" Gates asked to no one in particular.

Esposito opens his notebook and begins. "Our dockworker may or may not have been killed by the same perp; however, it is likely the cases are linked despite the different M.O. That dockworker had direct contact with all 3 previous victims multiple times over the past year. In fact, Mr. West was known to specifically ask from Domingo's assistance anytime he had a shipment to open."

Ryan jumped in" Not only does that seem odd, but Domingo had close association with Bob Smith, the man all the complaints were filed with. If you follow the paper trail, Domingo and Smith met with either West, Catalano, and Davis no less than 10 times a piece in the last 18 months. Yet the dock is large enough that it is unlikely for the same men to have coincidentally worked together more than once. I have put in a call to Mr. Smith's office. He hasn't arrived yet, no one has answered his home number or his cell."

Gates looked expectantly to Beckett. "After examining their financials and comparing shipping and receiving dates, I came to the conclusion that they may all be in on importing something illegal, but they aren't in it together. They might just have the same business partner. Each man received a $15,000 payment to their account from a dummy account in the Bahamas after receiving a 2 container shipment from China. These 2 container shipments occurred multiple times but with months in between. It was like the partner was rotating who he was shipping his goods with. Mysteriously there is a 2 month gap about 6 months ago that none of them received a shipment. I think we may have a 4th victim or the partner ships his own sometimes. To know more, we really need to interview Smith."

"That has to be an alias. Seriously, Bob Smith." Castle shook his head incredulously.

"Castle, it's worse than you think. His first name is just Bob, not Robert." Ryan said shaking his head.

"Espo, why don't you and Ryan see if you can track down Mr. Smith? Castle and I will look into Mr. Smith and see what else we can turn up."

Gates seemed satisfied with their progress. "Keep me up to speed with this one. And, Beckett before you or Castle decide to venture into the field, make sure we know where you are going." Gates looked at the two of the pointedly, making sure they heard her loud and clear.

"Castle looking into Smith's work history and financials, it isn't an alias. He has worked at the port in some managerial capacity or another for a decade, but he hasn't stayed in the same place. He has also received almost monthly payments of varying amounts from different off-shore accounts since he began working there." Castle listened to what she had collated from the files. "I doubt if the team will have any more luck tracing these bank accounts than the previous one.

"The plot thickens. I found he owns several old houses not far from the port. The taxes are paid, but it really isn't a place someone would want to live. Most of the area is abandoned an over-run by squatters." Castle states pointing out where the houses are located on the map. "I will call the addresses into the boys. Maybe they will have more luck out that direction."

_An hour later_

Castle and Beckett are getting fresh coffee from the break room before heading back to their files when Beckett's cell rings.

"What do you have Espo?"

"Castle's idea about the properties was right on the money. We found our guy, but he won't be saying much."

_5__th__ Crime Scene_

The neighborhood looks abandoned except for a few vagrants. Beckett turns her car into a long dirt drive that winds up toward the house. As they park and get out she realizes how if you wanted to do something illegal without a witness, this would be an ideal location.

The M.E.'s car is already on seen as is CSU and a handful of uniforms. Most of them are occupied outside of the very large, weather-beaten two story house.

"Kate, is it just me or does this place have a creepy vibe to it?" Castle flashes an intrigued grin and slowly headed toward the door.

"What did you expect? Thirty years ago this was a nice bed and breakfast. Now this area is left to vagrants, squatters and drug addicts." She asked knowing that he realized this too.

Espo sticks his head out the door. "Boss, we need you in here before we move him."

Beckett and Castle added some speed to their walk.

When they entered, they noticed that both of the rooms to the side of the entrance had bare mattresses and soiled clothes spread on the floor. Debris was left in small piles here and there throughout the entry way. When they made it to the kitchen they found Bob Smith literally nailed to his chair. A dried pool of blood smeared with barefoot prints ran the length of the kitchen. His hands had large nails driven through them holding them in place on the rests. His legs were tied to the legs; some of his fingertips dangled by strips of skin and sinew. The offending bolt cutters sat bloodied on the table before him. His throat was slit with a very similar slicing pattern as Domingo's.

"Since you have seen him in situ do you think I can have my boys go ahead and prep the body for movement? Or do you really need me to go through what happened with this one?" Lanie gave Kate a disgusted look.

"No, Lanie I think I can see everything just fine as long as everything has been documented. Thanks for not moving him until we could see exactly how he fits in the scene."

Lanie gave her team a brief nod and headed out the door.

"I get the feeling both Domingo and Smith were needed for information. Let's search the house and see if we can figure out what kind of operation this was? Drugs, prostitution, or what have you." Beckett directed the team to search the house for anything that might clarify what had been happening.

She had a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. These killings were personal to someone.

_Castle's Bed Nearing Midnight Monday_

Kate has her nose buried in Rick's chest, their arms holding each other tightly. No one is moving or talking.

Kate wipes a tear away.

"You do know you can talk about it Kate? I will admit I don't mind being your sex toy but I am pretty sure we said we were going to try to talk to each other."

She lifts her head to look at him for a moment. "I am not hiding anything Rick. I just don't have anything to say. The scene today bothered me on so many levels. Somewhere in the back of my mind I was asking the question what had he done that was so horrible that caused someone to be desperate enough to do that to him. I couldn't help but think that there have been a few men I have known that by the grace of God and strong sense of morality, I didn't go there—but I think I could have."

Rick squeezed her tighter at her admission. He was certain which criminals in her past she meant. It was scary to believe his lover could even think about snipping someone's fingertips or other appendages for answers, but then again she had used Vulcan Simmons as a battering ram on a wall when pushed too hard. Maybe it wasn't that much of a stretch.

"Kate, I would like to believe you wouldn't do that. But, then again if someone did something to Alexis or even you, I might do something similar. Only fingertips though. Some bits aren't for snipping."

She was amazed that he could joke even when they were making admissions as horrible and personal as the ability to lose your way in that kind of darkness.

"Do you think Alexis is ever going to accept this?" Kate said quietly.

"She will. She doesn't hate you. She is angry over everything. I think she may have been more hurt by you cutting us off after you were shot then I thought." Rick was trying to comfort her. He had just noticed this evening how Alexis disappeared as soon as Beckett came into a room. Their family dinners always had a conflict with Paige or one of her other friends. At first he hadn't thought anything of it, but when it continued to happen he had to accept Alexis definitely had issues with his newfound closeness to Kate.

"Maybe tomorrow night I should spend the night at my place, alone. Alexis could use a father-daughter evening of honesty. My relationship with you is important, but I am NOT going to ruin your relationship with your daughter." She reached out and lovingly stroked his cheek. She really wished Alexis understood how much Rick meant to her. She still hadn't told him that Alexis had accused her of only coming to see him because he had files related to her mother's case. Where it may have been partially true that she needed those files, she needed Rick more than she needed answers. Now that she had her answers, she was very aware that Rick was all she had ever needed in the first place. All that time she felt lost at sea, it wasn't from not knowing who her mother's killer was, it was from not submitting…allowing herself to love and be loved by Rick. How do you explain that to an 18 year old that still hasn't figured out that love has absolutely no relation to what you believe it is when you are young? Love isn't about possession or passion—love is an overpowering will to submit yourself entirely to being in a true partnership with someone else—a giving up of yourself to become a unit, an us. Hell, she just learned that herself.

She fell asleep with her head on Rick's chest while he ran his fingers gently through her hair.

Alexis peered in the room early in the morning, hoping to see that Kate had left. She was astounded to see a mostly naked Kate draped across her father crying in her sleep. Just as Alexis turned to leave, she heard Kate whisper. "Please Rick, I love you. Don't leave me." She could hear Kate sobbing behind her.

The questions wasn't did Kate love her father, but did she love him enough?


	17. Chapter 17

Note to my lovely readers: lv2bnsb1 thoughtful review made my day. Thanks.

BTW: I don't own Castle. Blah, blah, blah…AM is that genius, not me.

He Said Start at the Beginning Chapter 17

_Castle's Loft 4am_

Kate is sitting in the dark nursing a cup of tea and trying to erase the nightmares that had come again tonight. For some reason in her dreams, he was shot, not her. The loss of him after all that was said, and all that wasn't drove her to the darkest of places. Even now knowing he is alive and well doesn't erase the pain in her heart. The what ifs always take over in the dark.

"Kiddo, no one has to sit alone in the dark in this house unless they want to." Martha said tiptoeing in.

"Martha, are you just getting home?"

"I guess these days I should call it my walk of triumph. Shame doesn't seem to make sense at my age."

Kate smiled at her. Martha poured another cup of tea and joined her on the couch.

"Dear, what has you lurking in the dark?" Martha is pouring on the motherly charm. She knows a girl in need when she sees one.

"Oh, Martha, I guess you could call it nightmares, but it's more like memories twisted out of proportion. In my dreams, I am not the one who gets shot." Kate can't look at Martha. She is already revealing more than she intends, but the need for mothering superseded her senses. "I guess what's worse is that I know I nearly lost him out of my own stubbornness at the hospital and that wasn't done by a bullet. That was me." Kate's admission came out in an incredibly small voice, but Martha heard every word of it.

"Keep that in mind the next time my son puts his heart in front of his head for you." Martha sighs. "I wish someone had given me that advice when I will still pregnant with him. He might have had a father and I might not have had to sneak in this morning either." Martha sat quietly for a moment.

"Richard may have his faults but he always steps forward with his heart on his sleeve even when it's ill-advised."

Kate looked at Martha then. She felt even smaller now than when she was alone. Was a relationship with her ill-advised? Did Martha want her with her son or was she just accepting something that she believed was bad for him? She sat worrying in an enlarging gulf separating her from the closest thing she had to a mother in her life at this point. Who was she kidding; Martha would always have to protect her son first. That's what family does. Kate wasn't family.

The two women sat drinking tea in the half-light as dawn started to break.  
>"Kate, don't get me wrong. I want you to be the right choice, but sometimes my faith isn't as strong as I would like it to be. You and I have too many of the same faults." With that Martha patted Kate softly on the knee and stood relinquishing the room to Kate and her thoughts.<p>

Sometime later Alexis made her way down the stairs. Kate didn't hear her over her own thoughts. She was busy making kolaches for their breakfast just like her mother had done years before.

"Morning, Detective." Alexis said casually as she went into the kitchen.

"Hello, Alexis."

"What brings you out to snoop around so early this morning?"

Kate felt that barb a little sharper than Alexis may have intended, but the damage was done just the same. "I don't really know. My sleep was disturbed. I had dreamed your father was dying in my arms and then an apparition appeared in the doorway. I felt the need to ward it off." Kate turned and gave Alexis a pointed look. "Most people tend to knock when entering someone else's bedroom."

Alexis paled at Kate's revelation. She didn't offer an excuse. She averted her eyes and began packing her textbooks for school.  
>"Lex, breakfast will be ready in around 10 minutes." Kate sighed and walked around the island to face the girl. "I am not going to be around all the time, but when I am I want to be given the same courtesy I give you. No more, no less. Is that understood?" Kate was using her voice of authority on the girl. She wasn't sure if it was out of line or not, but at some point they needed to establish who the authority figure would be. There was no time like the present.<p>

The girl nodded her head. "Thanks for making breakfast. I wasn't expecting you to do that for me." Alexis sounded shy and maybe even hurt.

"You are welcome. Not that you believe me, but I have missed you. Your dad and I are trying to be more than we have been; for that to work you have to be part of this too. Even though you are growing up and leaving soon. He's always going to be your dad. He needs you." Kate said it to the girl with the utmost sincerity hoping she would understand that she didn't intend to divide them.

Alexis reddened. From the tears in her eyes, Kate knew she had struck a chord. She hoped it was the right one. Alexis moved toward the refrigerator examining the contents. Kate handed her an already packed lunch bag.

"I hope you are fond of Italian subs with spicy mustard, lettuce and tomato."

Alexis nodded and said, "Uh, yes. Thanks. It's getting late. I better go get dressed so that I can leave as soon as I eat breakfast." Kate could tell by the way she scurried from the room that the girl had expected anger after her revelation. She hadn't expected to be fed or treated with fairness. She wondered was her reaction due to it being herself or had Gena been that hard to live with?


	18. Chapter 18

Note to my lovely readers: Lady Ailith, yes you are right it would be fun to watch Lanie get ahold of Alexis and her teenage attitude. It isn't going to happen but it would be fun. You know I don't think I could have come up with a less Christmassy episode if I had tried. The sad thing is it does give a lot of us what we wanted for Xmas, our favorite couple finally figuring out how to be together. I hope Marlow gets onto that soon. Kate's been breaking my heart lately. She needs a hug and a little mistletoe wouldn't hurt.

BTW: I don't own Castle. Blah, blah, blah…AM is that genius, not me.

He Said Start at the Beginning Chapter 18

_The 12__th__ Precinct Tuesday Afternoon_

"I can't believe after 5 victims that are definitely connected, we still don't have a solid lead on who is doing this or why this is happening" Kate said to Castle while staring at the murder board.

"Until now. I think CSU has given us a lead. MOTIVE. When we went through the house we found clothes, mattresses, drug paraphernalia, hair brushes, toothbrushes. Well, you name it and it was there. But, they took the DNA samples and compared them to those found in the container and there were several matches. 9 to be precise. Once again the length of time CSU has had with the original DNA samples has paid off even more. All 25 original samples are female and oriental. When compared to what was found at the house, the evidence supports that this was a kidnapping ring. The girls brought in may have been used for prostitution or outright sold. We can't tell which from what they left behind."

"You would think with that kind of operation we should have turned up some form of paper work." Castle said looking puzzled.

"Unless our killer to the files with them." Beckett cut in.

"Which means that the killer may know where the other properties are that have the other girls." Castle Continued

"We need to check the rest of those properties that Smith owned." Beckett said to the boys.

"What isn't making sense to me is that if this was an angry business partner, they would already know where all the properties are. There wouldn't be any need for the snip-n-clip." Castle said inching toward Beckett.

"And, if it was a competitor, torture would not have been necessary to shut down or take over the operation so it had to be more personal." Beckett took a step closer as well.

"I know what the killer was after." They said simultaneously.  
>They both grinned. "We have to find the girls. The killer is either looking for one of them or they're going to be dead." Castle said. She had a sad look on her face for a second. She turned away from Rick and said, "Or one of those girls has a very angry relative."<p>

Ryan interrupted,"Things just got stranger. We just got a call from SVU. 911 had given them a tip about a group of kidnapped/abused girls. They had a male caller who spoke in mandarin Chinese that told them where to find 9 very sick girls. Apparently when the EMTs arrived, all of the girls were unconscious, malnourished, dehydrated and had signs of molestation. The attending at physician at the ER also stated that they had ligature marks on their wrists and ankles."

Beckett stared at the board for a moment and said. "I think that means we don't have to worry about the killer's intentions, but we need to find the girls first to catch our killer." She sighed. This may prove to be one of those cases where she hopes the killer eludes her. If her hunch is correct, somewhere there is a father tearing through a few dirt bags to get his daughter back. It must be nice to have a father that devoted.

"Ryan, I still need you and Espo to check out those other properties. Maybe we will get lucky and catch our killer and help these girls before any of them dies from the state their in." Kate looked at the floor and then over at Castle. "Do you mind assisting them? I have some place I need to go."

She walked over to her desk, grabbed her coat and went for the elevator.

_Dr. Burke's Office Tuesday Late Afternoon_

Burke greets her in his usual way.

"Thanks for seeing me on such short notice. This hit me out of the blue." Kate begins pacing in front of the windows.

"Tell me about it Kate; what has happened?" He sits quietly contemplating her movements.

"Rick and I have been together almost constantly since the last time I saw you. He and I are fine. Alexis, his daughter has me worried though. She invaded the bedroom while we were sleeping last night. She won't sit down to meals with us as a family. She avoids me at almost any cost. I have tried to set a boundary with her this morning, but with events at work, I am not sure I overstepped or if I am just reacting to what is going on around me.

Our current case looks like it is being perpetrated by a father trying to rescue his daughter. It looks likely that he came from China just to get his daughter back. I can't help but think that I could be jeopardizing Rick's relationship with his daughter. He reminds me of that Chinese father. I can't even imagine what it's like to have a father that devoted." She paused and shakily walked to her usual chair.

"What is that scares you Kate? Are you worried Rick won't be as devoted to you as he is Alexis? Could you possibly be wondering if since your father who lost himself in a bottle when you needed him most didn't find you lacking, does that mean you aren't worthy of that kind of love?"

Tears were rolling down Kate's cheeks. Even as she tried wiping them, she knew that too many would fall to stop.

She whispered, "I am not worried about Rick…not at all."

_Beckett's Apartment Same Evening_

_**Rick, I am home. Have a goodnight with Alexis. I love you. I was thinking of coming over early and cooking Alexis breakfast again? Y or N?**_

She sent the text with the hopes he wouldn't call. He would know how raw her emotional state was if he could hear her voice.

She took out her Chinese takeout and opened a bottle of wine. As awful as she felt, she might just drink the whole think tonight that way she could be guaranteed a full night's sleep without the nightmares. She would have a hell of a headache in the morning, but with all the crying, she was going to have that anyway.

_Rick's Loft_

_**Sounds great. Do I get breakfast too? In bed?**_

He received Kate's text. "Kate says she will see you for breakfast again tomorrow morning." Alexis sheepishly played with the food on her plate. "She doesn't have to do that."

"I know she doesn't but she just sent me a text that she wants to…want to see it?" Rick gave his daughter a smile. He knew there was something the two women in his life weren't sharing. At least he didn't have to worry about his mother. She shared everything and then some. Sharing less would be great for her.

"Tell her not to bother dad. Just because she sleeping in your bed doesn't mean she has to get up early and fix me breakfast." Rick looks a little confused.

"Lex, she isn't sleeping here tonight. She wants to drive over early to see you." His voice is sounding a bit exasperated by the time he finishes his statement.

"I don't know why she would want to. I haven't done anything to warrant it…Uh, dad, I went to check on you last night. I had hoped she had left, but she was still there. I think I woke her."

"Why did you need to check on me? I am fine. Kate and I are fine. What business of yours is it whether she stays or goes?" Rick's voice rises slowly. His agitation is clear.

"Don't worry dad. It won't happen again." Alexis put her head in hands for a second. Then she turned to her dad again, "Kate and I talked about it this morning over breakfast. I thought…I was expecting her to yell, be angry. She wasn't. I think she was hurt that I went in. Dad, I really thought she would leave you. I thought you would be alone. I thought Kate would run again."

Rick sighed. He was relieved his daughter had overstepped out of concern not territoriality. "Kate is seeing a counselor. She is trying to be better. She wants to be better."

Alexis smiles. "I hope she succeeds." She sits quiet for a moment. "Mornings with Kate sure beat Gena complaining that I eat cereal too loudly."

_Castle's Bedroom 4am_

Castle feels the bed dip lower as she slides between the sheets next to him.

"I thought you were coming for breakfast?"  
>"I didn't know you didn't like early wake up calls." She said climbing on top of him. "I like early morning workouts before breakfast. Don't you?"<p>

When he kissed down her face, he could taste the salt from the dried tears. She needed him and she came to him.

He sat up wrapping her legs around him so that she could sit in his lap. He wanted to be able to see her face in what was left of the moonlight. He wanted to see how their lovemaking erased the pain from her eyes and relaxed that small ridge that appeared above her nose. This remarkable woman needed him as much as he needed her.


	19. Chapter 19

Note to my lovely readers: I was more than a little sad that absolutely no one had anything to say about the previous chapter. Is anyone reading? Is this story still interesting? Am I just going off into some weird tangent that is too bizarre to think about it? Suggestions and questions are welcome…I am flailing a little. My ego needs a little attention.

BTW: I don't own Castle. Blah, blah, blah…AM is that genius, not me.

_Castle's Bedroom 4am Wednesday Morning_

Castle feels the bed dip lower as she slides between the sheets next to him.

"I thought you were coming for breakfast?"  
>"I didn't know you didn't like early wake up calls." She said climbing on top of him. "I like early morning workouts before breakfast. Don't you?"<p>

When he kissed down her face, he could taste the salt from the dried tears. She needed him and she came to him.

He sat up wrapping her legs around him so that she could sit in his lap. He wanted to be able to see her face in what was left of the moonlight. He wanted to see how their lovemaking erased the pain from her eyes and relaxed that small ridge that appeared above her nose. This remarkable woman needed him as much as he needed her.

He Said Start at the Beginning Chapter 19

Kate relaxed in his embrace. She was letting her heart rate return to normal.

"Feel free to use that kind of wakeup call for me anytime." Rick kissed her forehead. "Do you want me at your breakfast with Alexis?" Remembering her text from last night, he couldn't help but wonder if Kate had come over early to convince him to chaperone her breakfast with his daughter.

"No, I wanted to get a proper greeting from you this morning prior to spending time with her. I knew you would want to sleep a bit longer afterwards." Kate began to get out of bed, but then changed her mind. She snuggled into him. Her clinginess startled and puzzled him.

"Rick, I was shaken by what I think is happening in this case yesterday. It made me realize or question a lot of what I feel about my relationship with my dad. I spent a lot of last night thinking through my childhood and trying to make heads or tails out of my thoughts." She took a deep breath and squeezed him a little tighter. "I needed you this morning when I woke."

He ran his fingers through her long hair where it fell down her back soothingly. He couldn't think of any comforting words to share; in the end, he settled for silence. Kate's hug lost some of its desperation after a few minutes. Her admission meant she had come along way, but the fact she hadn't called last night told him she still wrestled with the idea that she had to do this alone.

"I think I am going to shower so that I don't smell like sex for your daughter. Any suggestions as to what to fix her breakfast?" He chuckled.

"No, but she will appreciate anything you do."

Alexis found a wet-haired Kate wearing one of Rick's shirts making French toast and sausage.

"Good morning Alexis, I am glad you could join me." Kate used a fork to remove a piece of the frying bread and continued flipping sausages.

Alexis immediately opened the refrigerator and pulled out the orange juice. She poured two glasses and turned to Kate.

"Have you had your coffee yet, or should I fix your cup while you finish up that?"  
>Kate turned to the girl surprised at the offer. "I managed to make the coffee; mine just hasn't made it in a cup yet. It would be great if you would." Kate offered the girl a smile.<p>

Then, she forked the last of the toast from the grease and arranged their plates. Carrying them to the breakfast bar, Kate sat one in front of Alexis and pulled up her seat across from the girl.

Alexis had already set their places with silverware and each had a coffee with orange juice.

Alexis cleared her throat and whispered "I thought you weren't spending the night?"

Kate immediately looked up into Alexis face. Kate had been afraid that Alexis might see it as a breach of trust; she had told the girl one thing, but appeared as if she had done something else.

"I…I guess you could say that I had a bad night. Early this morning I realized what I needed was over here, not at my place." Kate watched for her reaction. But, Alexis looked more relieved than irritated. It was the opposite reaction from what she anticipated.

Alexis put her fork down and finished chewing the bite that was in her mouth.

"Kate, I don't want you to think you are unwelcome. If you needed him last night, then you should have been here then, not this morning. I wouldn't have been angry if you had." Kate worried her lower lip for a second trying to think how to safely respond. But the questioning look in her eyes must have given her away.

"Okay, I might not have been thrilled by it Kate, but I heard what haunts your nightmares. I live with some of your fears too. I know that no one should have to face those alone." Alexis reached forward to grab ahold of Kate's fingers. "I am just scared of what you mean to my dad. I was here this summer when you weren't."

She looked Kate straight in the eyes saying, "I heard him crying your name out in the night waking in terror. I just didn't think he was as important to you." Kate's eyes widened. She hadn't considered that all this time Alexis' distance may have more to do with her own behavior than teenage discomfort.

Kate took another sip of her coffee; she marveled that Little Castle knew how to fix her coffee as well as her dad did. Sometime it was the littlest things that mean the most. If Alexis hated her or resented her, that coffee wouldn't be what it was. Perfect.

"I think maybe there is someone else that I owe an apology to…"Kate looked back into Alexis' eyes. "I am sorry for my disappearing act. I didn't think about how it would feel for you, Martha or your dad. I panicked and ran. I didn't trust myself with anyone." Kate paused for a second and squeezed the tips of the girl's fingers between her own. "I should have said that a long time ago."

Alexis gave her shy smile. "Yes, you should have."

_Dr. Burke's Office Lunch Time_

Kate is staring off into space. "Dad was always my hero. He carried me home on his shoulders when I broke my ankle ice skating. He jumped in the lake after me when I fell off the dock. The water had been so cold it knocked all the air from my lungs. I believed he would save me from everything. My great defender. T

hen mom died and everything changed. It wasn't even a gradual change. Overnight my champion became my ward. I had to make sure he came home alive from whatever bar he had passed out in. I had to clean him up when he soiled himself, otherwise he would just sit there and rot away. If I had not pushed, he would have given up entirely. But damn it! I was a just a kid. I was not much older than Castle's daughter, Alexis.

The truly sad thing is I went wild trying to get his attention; it had worked when I was younger, why not again. I tried partying harder than he did. I even brought home strange boys to his house. He let me." Her voice was rising as her pain increased.

"Other than tossing me out of his house, I achieved nothing. When I finally gave up and moved on. When I gave up the life I had planned to become a cop, then he heard me. I still don't know if I had anything to do with it for sure. He could have finally had enough. He may have used up all his friendships. I still can't imagine what drove him to do it. I never told anyone this, but dad gave me two gifts when I graduated from the police academy. He gave me his watch which I wear and his 1 month sobriety chip. The day I graduated, he graduated with that chip. He couldn't attend my graduation, because he was afraid he might be tempted to miss his. I keep the chip to remind myself; I had to give up on him to get him back. I love my dad, but I know he won't be there for me when I need him."

She sat quietly in Burke's office wiping tears. "Rick told me that my dad had asked him to stop me from chasing after the men who killed my mother. How is that suddenly after all these years, he wants me protected, but he won't do it himself? "She sighed and stood up, walking to the window. "Dad was with me at the hospital and he took me to his cabin to heal. He didn't even stay more than a few days. Once I was able to bathe and feed myself, he was gone. Dear old dad. He loves me enough to want me alive and to have lunch, but I shouldn't need him. He won't be there if I really need him."

She looked expectantly at Burke.

"Kate, you can't make him stronger than he is. He used to be your rock, but then your mom died. You can't make his love different than it is. Do you love him enough to forgive him for breaking?"

Tears have been flowing down Kate's face through her story.


	20. Chapter 20

Note to my lovely readers: Thank you for the thoughtful reviews. It is nice to know someone is actually reading it. With any luck I hope to get another chapter written tonight, if not it will be tomorrow. I am not sure how many chapters are left to this case…I keep having ideas so I can't tell for sure, but I know how it ends. I hope to get quite a bit done between now and Monday as I will be out of town for 4 days. The laptop will travel with me, online access won't. All else fails, I may be returning Thursday with a lot of work to load at once…I am going to miss this.

BTW: I don't own Castle. Blah, blah, blah…AM is that genius, not me.

_Dr. Burke's Office—Kate talking about her father_

"Kate, you can't make him stronger than he is. He used to be your rock, but then your mom died. You can't make his love different than it is. Do you love him enough to forgive him for breaking?"

Tears have been flowing down Kate's face through her story.

He Said Start at the Beginning Chapter 20

_6th Crime Scene—Abandoned Hotel Friday Afternoon_

Beckett stares at the building. God, this looks like it could be the setting for a teen slasher movie. If Rick hadn't thought to check the GPS tracking chips in the victim's cell phones this place would not have been located. Although the hotels and bars were still standing, this area was no longer commercially used for anything other than warehouses and packing plants. The derelict hotel, although still functioning to some extent, would not attract travelers unintentionally. Beckett thought about how well-run this operation had been. To be able to run a brothel out of an old hotel without anyone noticing, that took coordination, intelligence and nerve.

"Kate, are you ready for this?" Castle asked quietly before they exited the squad car.

She opened her door in response. No matter how many times you enter a crime scene, they don't get easier. Ready may be a state of mind, but there really is no such thing and she was nowhere close to ready even by her own standards.

They entered the hotel through what had once been the reception area. The man that you would consider the proprietor could be found in the bed of what was probably his own bedroom. The victim had been beaten severely and tied to the metal headboard using the cord from a nearby table lamp. The car battery still lay next to the bed with the jumper cables attached. With the way the man's pants had been cut from his body, it was obvious where the cables had been attached. His beating would make facial recognition difficult. It was then that Kate noticed his hands were bloodied.

Lanie looked up from where she had been examining the torso of the deceased.

"Beckett honey, this is one for the record books. At present our unnamed victim is suspected of dying from asphyxiation." Lanie pointed at a small phone cord that was wrapped around the victim's neck and the highest point of the bedpost. "In order for him to keep breathing, the victim would have had to sit up but because of where the burn marks were all over his unit and butt, sitting up would have been excruciating. I won't know until for sure until I do the post-mortem, but I suspect he fainted and choked himself. In addition to these markings, his fingertips were removed from his hands and the victim bit his own tongue almost in half."

"Do you think he was tortured for information?" Lanie looked thoughtfully at the corpse.

"That is a possibility. But, for the most part, whoever did this was here to cause pain. Have you seen the rest of the place yet?" Lanie cocked her head toward the hallway.

Beckett looked at the M.E. questioningly. There is another unidentifiable male corpse in room 6. Judging by the bullet through his head, stains on the sheets and his lack of clothing, he was just a john killed in action.

Lanie through Rick a questioning look about Kate's tired state. He shrugged in response. He quickly followed her. He knew she needed him close by.

"Yo, Beckett. There is a lot more to see here. Let's go to the kitchen." Espo led the way through the hallway into what once may have been a small restaurant. The kitchen door was propped open with a large plastic drum.

When they entered, Beckett gasped.

"We just found these." Ryan said with a sad voice. The opened freezer stunned the couple. Instead of meat, there were stacks of thin, oriental girls. Many of the bodies appeared to have freezer burn.

"How many do you think are here?" asked Castle. All four of them stood silently for a moment.

"I don't know. But, by the looks of things, I was say well over a hundred." Ryan replied.  
>"I am going to go let CSU and the M.E. knows that there is far more to look at." Espo said heading toward the door.<p>

Ryan shook his head and grabbed his ringing phone.

"Kate, what do you make of all of this?"

"I don't know. But, until we have searched every room in this hotel, we won't have a clue what we found."

_12__th__ Precinct 2am Saturday _

Kate and the boys are adding the additional information to the murder boards.  
>"You know sometimes you can't help but wonder at how no one saw this. Hundreds of girls held kidnapped, imported to New York and then used as prostitutes. How does no one notice?" Esposito says this all in disgust.<p>

Gates walks in behind them. "Someone is noticing now. Team, you're tired and you have been tracking this murderer all over town. We have a lot of information that won't be back from the lab until noon tomorrow. So, didn't be here before the lab results. Go home."

As Ryan and Esposito head to their desks to get their coats Rick turns to Kate.

"Please tell me you already know that I am not letting you go home alone." He says sincerely.

She leans into him. "I am beginning to wonder why I pay rent, but I have no intentions of going anywhere other than home with you."

He can tell she is tired to the core of her being. She has looked positively wrung out since lunch. The gruesome scene at the hotel only caused her to fade even more so. She lets him help her into her coat and he leads the way to the elevator.

He had arranged his car service to take them home. Without a word she lets him open the door and gets in. She curls into his side and dozes off.

A few minutes later he gently shakes her awake.

"Are we home yet?" She asks quietly.

"Yes, we are home." He helps her out of the car and almost carries her to the elevator. He is amazed she is still walking, but he couldn't help but notice that she referred to his loft as their home. Even after the soul crushing scene of those dead girls, his heart soars just a little.

Home.


	21. Chapter 21

Note to my lovely readers: In case you can't tell, it has always bothered me that Kate's back story is almost in cliff note form. We have this wonderful broken hero archetype that is never fleshed out. I can't promise to fix all her back story issues, but I would at least like to round her out a bit more than they can in 45 min. a week. It always comes off as if she is being horrible or cruel to Rick when in all likelihood the writers intend her to be broken enough to not be able to control what she does to an extent… I am not making excuses…I am saying it ought to be fixed.

I still appreciate the reviews…they helped me through a hard week.

BTW: I don't own Castle. Blah, blah, blah…AM is that genius, not me.

"Are we home yet?" She asks quietly.

"Yes, we are home." He helps her out of the car and almost carries her to the elevator. He is amazed she is still walking, but he couldn't help but notice that she referred to his loft as their home. Even after the soul crushing scene of those dead girls, his heart soars just a little.

Home.

He Said Start at the Beginning Chapter 21

_Castle's Bed 10 am Saturday _

Kate woke abruptly to find the bed empty. She sat up and rubbed her eyes trying to remember how she wound up at home. She crawled out of bed and headed for the shower. She luxuriated in the hot jets of water washing away her fogginess. Stepping out, she fixed her hair and make-up, and found comfortable work clothes to face the day.

She stepped out to the kitchen to find Alexis and her dad enjoying a quiet breakfast.

"Good morning," she greeted them as she entered.

"You almost missed the morning, but then again, you almost didn't get home before dawn." Alexis said jokingly. Rick continued to chew his breakfast with a grin.

"But, I did come home. That should count for something." Kate said looking straight at Alexis.

Rick sat quietly watching this exchange. He wasn't 100% sure if this was Alexis welcoming Kate in or letting her know that she should have been here earlier; either way, he would not be complaining.

"Good morning, Rick." Kate's voice snapped him out of his thoughts. She leaned over and gave him a quick kiss. "Are you coming to the station with me, or are you writing?"

Rick smiled at her and wrapped an arm around her waist drawing her into his lap. "After yesterday, don't you think it would be best for you if I was at the station?" Kate sighed and looked down at the chipped nail polish on her toes.

"I promise to let you work on your laptop if you need to if you will take up residence in the conference room. It would be nice if you were there as I sort through the piles of evidence. In all those rooms, we must have found something to lead us to our murderer. So far, all the evidence in this case loops back to the victims." She admitted her frustration.

"Thankfully, my deadline is several weeks away; I can go and assist the sorting. No laptop necessary." He gave her a kiss on the cheek and released her so that she could get up. She lovingly played with his bed head for a second and then went to fix a cup of coffee.

"I am heading for a quick shower. Have some breakfast and we can be out of here before noon."

Kate began to fix a plate from the breakfast spread Rick had created, and then went to sit at the table with Alexis.

"Dad was telling me a little about the case. What do you think happened to all those girls?" Kate had anticipated any number of questions from the girl this morning; none of them were work related. Kate looked at Alexis a little startled.

"Well, we won't really know more until Lanie and the rest of the M.E.'s office have had the time to examine the bodies. But, if I were to make an educated guess I would say that they were kidnapped and used as prostitutes. I would bet fear was a large part of their daily experience. I have no doubt that we will find that they were used until they were worn out or sickly and then either were killed or overdosed." Kate suddenly had no desire to eat her breakfast and pushed the plate away.

"So your victims, they aren't victims are they?" Alexis catches Kate's eyes with hers. Kate could tell that Alexis is voicing what she knows Kate is feeling.

"Has your dad said that?"

"No, Kate. He told me about how drained you were after your lunch with your therapist. He was talking about how he wished you had chosen not to go to a crime scene after that. You were already vulnerable and then to walk into that. God, Kate, how could you not fall apart?"

Kate fought the tears in her eyes. "I shouldn't have gone, but I haven't been announcing to the department that I have those sessions. You can't anticipate a murder, much less a scene that…that" She couldn't find the words to describe the scene she found. "I didn't fall apart because your dad was there. I was sleepwalking through, but your dad held onto me. You do know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him." Tears spilled down Kate's face.

Alexis tried to decide if the detective meant alive or at the loft. But as she watched Kate try to hold herself together, she knew it was both.

Martha touched Kate's shoulder and then wrapped her in a hug from behind. She held Kate tightly without saying anything. Kate melted into wracking sobs.

She hadn't been aware but Martha had come down the stairs midway through the conversation, watching and listening.

Martha and Alexis had always known that Kate was a strong person with deep emotional pain, but had not had to witness her fighting to maintain control. Whatever reservations they had about the detective not being fair to Rick began to melt away.

_12__th__ Precinct 3pm_

Beckett and Castle exit the elevator and head toward the bullpen. The conference room is loaded with their boxes, but Esposito and Ryan are not there. They are sitting in the break room relaxing.

"Detective Beckett, Mr. Castle. Glad you two finally made it in. I was beginning to wonder if we needed to send out a search party." Gates called as she stepped out of her office. Kate blushed in reaction. But Gates didn't let it go. "Actually, the lab results still haven't made it up yet. You wouldn't have had much to do if you had arrived earlier. Fresher minds when they do arrive may turn out to be the key to this." She gave them as close to a friendly smile as she ever gives and heads to her office.

Rick gives Kate's hand a reassuring squeeze. "We were right to stay home longer. Relax. You've got this." She took a deep breath and headed toward their boxes.

"Can you grab the caffeine and the boys? We need to do a major rethink on how we are dealing with this case." Kate knew that in order to catch the killer they needed to push through and find answers quickly. What had started as a simple murder case had blossomed into far more.

Esposito came in and said, "Beckett, some preliminary findings have come up from the lab, but I don't know that it will help much. There was evidence that more than 20 girls were alive in and in that hotel within the last 24 hours. No one has reported finding any oriental girls being picked up for medical care in the NYC. "

"Has anyone bothered checking with the Chinese Embassy? If these girls are coming from their country, then that is where they would be seeking refuge. Did anyone follow up with who was dealing with the girls SVU picked up? I know we have been busy with everything else, but it might be good to work this backwards." Castle said.

"What do you mean work it backwards?" Ryan questioned.

"Our killer is looking for something or somebody. The ones left alive might..." Castle started

"Know what he is looking for," Castle and Beckett said together.

Ryan nodded his head. "It would be worth a shot if any of those girls were able to share or were willing to share. The first day SVU said the girls were in such bad health that the doctors were refused to allow them to give statements."

"If the embassy is involved I doubt we will get any closer to getting an interview than the doctors gave us." Esposito shook his head knowing this was going to be an uphill battle.

"At least it is a place to start until we can get a better handle on our evidence." Beckett said.

Gates stepped in the door and handed Beckett a file. "I suggest you start trying to sort through this while the boys head off on your leads."

Beckett nodded not realizing that Gates was unsure whether Beckett was fit to be interviewing anyone. Castle locked eyes with Gates and gave her a hesitant nod. Gates could see the strain on her detectives, but knew the only way to cure the illness was to let it run its course. That didn't mean she couldn't allow the support system to aid.

"Mr. Castle, could you make sure this team stays focused and fed. We can't have anything slipping through the cracks out of negligence."

"Yes sir." Castle headed to the break room to start the caffeine rounds. It was going to be a long day.


	22. Chapter 22

Note to my lovely readers: I won't be leaving for our visit to my mother-in-law's until Monday morning. With any luck I will post at least 1 more chapter after this, maybe 2. I am not making any promises. I still appreciate the reviews…they have been helped guide me a little. And for those who say that you don't want the fic to end… I can always created another where this leaves off…but things need a proper beginning middle and end. I think we are near "the end." I guess it's time to figure out what a new jumping off point for a start would be…suggestions?

BTW: I don't own Castle. Blah, blah, blah…AM is that genius, not me.

He Said Start at the Beginning Chapter 22

_12__th__ Precinct 8am Monday_

Gates has called a squad meeting for everyone to share the updates from over the weekend.

"Esposito, what has our M.E. found about the bodies we collected?"

"All 73 bodies were Asian girls between the ages of 15 and 22, had been sexually active with multiple partners within hours of their death, had extreme amounts of sedatives in their systems; most had bruising patterns around an ankle or wrist, but never both. Many had track marks on their arms and legs; the condition of their hair and teeth suggests that they were not well cared for. The other evidence found at the hotel suggests that each hotel room had a permanent resident chained to the bed. Each had enough chain length to use the bathroom, but not enough to leave. Several of the rooms had holes cut in the wall suggesting there may have been video evidence made at some point. We do not have any of these videos but we do have a handful of remote cameras that were found still in place in the rooms."

There was silence in the room as everyone considered this evidence. How does someone run an operation this large without someone noticing?

Ryan took Gates nod as a sign that he should fill the void. "SVU's victims were all from China. The girls have been given over to the custody of their embassy. At this time the embassy is unwilling to share any information with us other than that the girls have received medical treatment and will be sent home on a private plane as soon as they are healthy enough to travel. I spoke with the ambassador's assistant who has told me that he will personally speak with each victim to ascertain if there are any that could possibly have seen our murder." Ryan's voice demonstrates his thorough lack of faith in the assistant's words. The embassy does have to report to us when the victims will be leaving because we may need another print or DNA sample for elimination purposes only. So, we may be able to find a way to get to speak to someone after all."

The whole room turned to Kate. She sat quietly for a moment and then stood up. "After comparing what little we found at our various crime scenes, I think I have a lead. We, actually I should say, the CSU guys found, if you compare all of the DNA samples collected from hairs and other trace evidence, you will find that one of the female DNA strands found in the 3rd crime scene are a partial match for a male DNA strand found at the last crime scene. After further analysis of the two differing strands, we know that the murderer is the father of one of the girls. We are also 100% sure her body has not been located by any of our investigative services. But, after closely looking at the partial DNA strand found on the set of manacles located near our "john" we do know that the murderer very well may have located his daughter." Kate took a deep breath. With that being said, our main interest would be to make sure that we located the father and daughter. She may be in need of medical care; he is our murderer. We need to find him before he leaves the country."

Kate wasn't sure who, but one of the officers stated whispered what she was thinking. "We needed to give him an effing medal on his way home." Kate didn't acknowledge the speaker. No one did.

Gates took to the center of the floor again. "Alright people, all feelings aside. We know who we are and what we have to do. Find any possible exit points for these two and try to monitor them. The only description we have is that they are an oriental father and daughter. Our chance of success is strictly determined by how well we do our jobs. Keep that in mind. She looked straight at Beckett when she said her last words.

_Dr. Burke's Office Late Afternoon Monday _

Dr. Burke smiled as Kate sat down in her customary chair with her cup of coffee.

"How is your case going?"

"You could say that it is solved. But it isn't closed. I doubt it will ever be. We know for sure that a father came for his daughter. We know he found her. We are even fairly certain he is our murderer, but the evidence to prove he killed anyone just isn't there. Gates wants us to try to find this Chinese parent and child with no description. It is a total needle in the haystack moment. I should be upset. I should be frustrated and angry that she is asking for something impossible. It would almost be as absurd to ask me to go arrest our killer who could be any non-American born Arabic man caught trying to exit the country with his daughter. There is just as much likelihood of him being located as this Asian one."

"If you aren't upset by that, what are you?" The doctor looked at a much diminished Beckett. She looked like a small child curled up in that chair. Tired. I am exhausted. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I could sleep for 2 to 3 days without stopping. What's wrong with me? I can usually go for days without much sleep. I have been getting at least 6 hours a night. For me, that's miraculous. I am eating 3 meals a day. But, I can't focus. My mind just goes back to those girls in the freezer and what that father must have seen. They were stacked like frozen dinners or possibly frozen tuna. How can someone be so callous to young girls? What about their childhood? What about what was taken from them? They lost their lives, their parents. They lost their home. How can someone do that?" Tears are pouring down Kate's face again. This is becoming a habit for her; she has never been this vulnerable. Tears aren't her thing.

Dr. Burke sits quietly, crosses his legs and waits.

"Kate, you aren't one of those girls. You didn't die lost in a freezer. You have let yourself be frozen in place. It's a choice. You can have a home. They can't"

She grabs a tissue and begins wiping at her face. She says exasperated, "I have a home…and I have an apartment. I visit one and suddenly find myself living in the other. I never chose to move in with Rick. I just did. I store my things at my apartment. But, I haven't been inside my apartment for more than 8 hours in a row in days. I haven't actually slept in it since Rick and I got together for real. The other night I was so tired at work I told Rick to take me home. I meant his place. When I wake up in the morning, I don't think 'Wow, I am in Rick's bed…I think of it is ours." She stopped speaking. She is no longer crying, no longer irritated. "I just have so much to lose now. What if something happens to one of them like happened to those girls?"

Dr. Burke smiled at Kate and almost laughed. "If I remember correctly they were in that position for you not that long ago. They survived. They are watching you put yourself back together. If something happens to one of them. You will know what to do to help. This is what family is Kate."

Kate looks at the floor. "Oh, God, I did, didn't I?" It finally sunk in. All this time Kate had been focused on how her shooting had taken over her life. But, what about those people who keep reaching out to her every day? As Alexis had pointed out, Rick was not the only one left terrified by her injury. He wasn't the only she left behind to heal in isolation either.

"Guilt can make you feel weighed down and tired. Kate, seek forgiveness from them and from yourself. You will find that your body has been running on adrenaline for so long that it may take you a few months of crashing every day to catch up. But, before you know it you will be happier and healthier than you can remember being. Go home, Kate. Go home."

She did.


	23. Chapter 23

Note to my lovely readers: I think this is the logical end to this story. I will continue this Kate and Rick from here soon. I haven't decided how to do that yet, but I will. There is no way that I will be sitting at my mother-in-law's house for days and not write. What I would give for her to have internet service!

Anyway, thank you for reading. This has been my first attempt at fiction in 7 years. Thanks to all who have sent reviews, comments, and questions. If you have a suggestion, feel free to make it, but realize most of the decisions I make are just that. They are a conscious choice. However, some of you have inspired some of the little details found here.

BTW: I don't own Castle. Blah, blah, blah…AM is that genius, not me.

Kate looks at the floor. "Oh, God, I did, didn't I?" It finally sunk in. All this time Kate had been focused on how her shooting had taken over her life. But, what about those people who keep reaching out to her every day? As Alexis had pointed out, Rick was not the only one left terrified by her injury. He wasn't the only she left behind to heal in isolation either.

"Guilt can make you feel weighed down and tired. Kate, seek forgiveness from them and from yourself. You will find that your body has been running on adrenaline for so long that it may take you a few months of crashing every day to catch up. But, before you know it you will be happier and healthier than you can remember being. Go home, Kate. Go home."

She did.

He Said Start at the Beginning Chapter 23

_Castle's Loft Early Evening Monday_

Alexis believed she was the first in as there were no lights on, but as she put her book bag down, she noticed the feet propped on the edge of the couch. She peered over the top to find a sleeping Beckett. She looked peaceful with the exception of the hand clasped over where the bullet-hole would have been. She snored lightly. The girl watched her for a moment before realizing she must be doing that "creepy Castle stare" her dad told her that Kate complained about. She found a blanket out of a closet and tossed it across Kate. She immediately rolled to her side and murmured contentedly in her sleep. Alexis smiled. She had never seen Kate looking this comfortable anywhere ever. She turned on a table lamp across from the couch, and grabbed her copy of Chretien de Troyes' _Arthurian Romances. _She decided to watch over Kate so that no one could disturb her sleep. Instead, Alexis would allow Perceval to continue on his quest for the grail while she waited for everyone to get home.

If Alexis were honest, she would admit she spent as much time studying Kate as she did her homework. The dark circles under her eyes had become pronounced in the last two weeks, but the familiar strain that was always in Kate's face was absent.

After an hour, Alexis grew tired of her chair and moved to the space just above Kate's head on the couch. She went back to reading her homework. When Rick finally came in the door with dinner, Alexis immediately turned to him in the universal shushing sign of the finger across the lips. Rick put the bags of Styrofoam take out containers on the table and walked over to the couch. Alexis had been lovingly stroking some of Kate's hair as she slept. Father and daughter shared a meaningful smile. Rick took out his phone and snapped a picture of this intimate moment between his lover and daughter.

Rick went to the kitchen for their drinks and plates. He arranged the meal and sent a text to his mother warning her of sleeping beauty on the couch. For the first time in ages, the Castle house had a silent meal, but it was a surprisingly happy one. It reminded Rick of all those times he and his mother had shared a silent meal while watching Alexis sleep. The names and positions had changed, but it was no less enjoyable. After the meal was put away, and the dishes were in the washer. Rick moved to the couch where he could play pillow while read. Alexis assumed a new position with Kate's feet in her lap.

Kate finally stirred just before midnight.

"Hey, sleepy head. " Rick looked down at his lover and brushed a few strands of hair out of her face.

"Hey." She started to sit up and then realized she had to carefully remove her feet from the lap of a sleeping teenager. She careful extricated herself and curled up closer to Rick.

"What did I miss?" She whispered as she sat up and stretched, and then waited for him to fill her in on what happened at the precinct after she abruptly left.

"That depends, are you going to tell me where you disappeared to?"

"Rick, I went to see Dr. Burke again. Yes, I keep going to see him a lot. But, I just couldn't get the images of those dead girls out of my head. I couldn't focus. How many times did I snap at you for startling me by sitting up in your chair? I was getting more on edge as the day went on so I went into see Gates and told her I needed to see my doctor. She told me to take the rest of the week off without a pause. Either she is worried about me or Burke has kept her apprised of how often I have had to see him in the last month. I don't know which, but I am grateful either way." She stopped talking for a moment and then continued. "I am sorry for the cryptic message. I just needed to do this alone."

Rick wrapped an arm around her pulling her in closer.

"When you said you needed a little space and would see me this evening, I didn't worry much. But, if you hadn't been here when I came in, I can't say how I would have reacted. Are you hungry; I have some awesome chicken and shrimp Alfredo waiting for you."

She nodded and he helped her up. They sat at the table where he watched her eat and shared a few glasses of wine. While she put away her dirty dishes, he carried Alexis to bed.

"Where's Martha?" Kate asked as he came back down the stairs.

"A friend of hers invited her acting class to come visit a performance. If I know mother, we will see her tomorrow." Kate shook her head. Martha and her adventures never ceased to amaze.

_Rick's Bed 3am_

Kate enjoyed the feel of his skin next to hers. It didn't get old. With her head on his bare chest and their legs still entwined, she cleared her throat and turned to face him. She could still see where her gingers had been clutching his hair minutes ago.

"I shouldn't have shut all of you out. I know that now. When I went to the cabin, I kept all of you away. I kept you from caring for me. You, Alexis and Martha needed to help me mend as much as I needed all of you to bring me back from the rabbit hole. When I chose to try to find my way by myself, I robbed all of you of something special. I shouldn't have done that. I am sorry."

Rick pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

"I hope you learned enough to not repeat the mistake."

"I am trying." She replied with a small nod.

He smiled at her. "You may already be doing better than you think." He reached over to the edge of the bed and grabbed his phone. He pulled up the picture he had taken of Alexis caressing Kate's hair in her sleep.

Kate's eyes grew wide and she had to fight back tears for a moment.

"I guess Alexis might be over hating the idea of me being here."

"I don't think she ever hated the idea. I think she worried that we wouldn't be enough." Rick said quietly.

"It's enough Rick; it's all I could possibly need and then some." The smile fell from his face for a moment.

"In that case, what do you want to do for the rest of the week since you're not working?"

She gave him a confused look. He obviously wanted to ask something else, but he didn't.

"I have a few ideas. More of this is definitely on this list." She said giving him another soft kiss on the lips.

"Nice attempt to distract me. Seriously, you, Kate Beckett, have no idea what you want to do in the next 4 days of not working." Rick gave her an irritated look. He was after something specific; but what?

She rolled off of him and onto her back and threw one of her arms over her eyes in exasperation. "I didn't realize you wanted a list. Yes, I have a few ideas. I thought we would make love a few thousand times all over this apartment while no one is home. I thought maybe we could go retrieve a lot more of my clothing since I so rarely visit it and we need to get the rest of my make-up. I only brought what I might need for work. I didn't consider what I might need if we went to dinner. And, shoes. I need more of my shoes and boots here. I want us to have lunch with my dad and eat lunch in the park. I want us to go meet Alexis after school one day and do something fun. I don't know Rick, what is it that you want me to say?"

If she had been watching his face rather than hiding, she would have seen his face soften as soon as she began her list. Nearly every statement had a we in it. He moved her arm aside to find her eyes were closed and small tears were spilling. He began to kiss them away as the passion started again.

_Private Airfield Noon Thursday_

Kate and Rick watched as the Chinese girls were escorted on to their private plane by a plain clothed Chinese security team. Rick had called a friend to find out about the departure; the embassy had gone to great lengths to keep the NYPD at a distance. The couple stood by their town car and didn't try to approach any of the girls, Kate just needed to see them leaving for safety. As the last girl was helped up the ramp by one of the security team, she noticed his arm went around the girl as he half carried her up the stairs to the plane. When they were at the top of the stairs waiting for their turn to board, the man removed his coat and wrapped it around the girl who seemed to be hugging herself as if she was cold.

Kate and the security guard's eyes met for a brief second. She nodded and waved goodbye. He touched his daughter's arm and said something to her. Together, they both turned and waved back before boarding

Kate and Rick got back in their waiting town car.

"Rick, let's go home."


End file.
